Brose 's World - I don't give a damn!

Interesting quotes from our MPs and my humble comments

2006-03-29T17:38:00.000+08:00

The very lazy Brose obviously did not compile this on his own. I saw this posted somewhere so I merely lifted it off. Credits to the anonymous one who posted it. I think nowadays everyone is so damn afraid that they would get into trouble with the law they post every damn thing anonymously. Freedom of speech? Freedom on the internet? What utter bullshit. Look at how many got their ass screwed by the law over the past 1 – 2 years from blogging alone. Racism, A*Star bond breaking... Good game noobs.

Interesting Quotes from our beloved MPs and my ever-so-humble comments.

"Only 5% are unemployed. We still have 95% who are employed."- Yeo Cheow Tong.

What do you expect? Are we supposed to press the red button only when we have more than 50% of unemployment? 5% unemployment is considered a relatively high figure and is by no means a comfortable value.

“*cough* Don't worry guys... 53% are employed. Thats a little more than half. I think we are fine” - MP Brose

"Singaporean workers have become more expensive than those in the USA and Australia."- Tony Tan.

We study like shit over here while students in USA and Australia club and have sex and booze every damn day. Shouldn't we get paid a little more?

"Retrenchment is good for singapore. If there is no retrenchments, then I worry."- Goh Chok Tong.

Retrenchment is good? Getting sacked is good? Asking 45 year olds to get lost because they are getting too high paid after slogging in the company they started for 20 odd years is good? Dismissing people because they collect too much income is good? Making those 45 to 60 year old jobless, threatening their livelihood and forcing them to retrain themselves is good? Then tell me... what is bad?

“People support CPF cuts because there are no protest outside parliament."- Lee Hsien Loong.

When was the last time we had a protest outside the parliament? When? Singaporeans are the most docile animals in the entire world. Even after the NKF incident which has infuriated the entire Nation, the most damaging and rioting move by the Singaporean(s) (and only 1 out of the 4 million population – as many as the moo-moo in New Zealand) is to spray paint outside the NKF building. Just because people keep quiet does not mean we support it.

"We started off with (the name) and after looking at everything, the name that really tugged at the heartstrings was in front of us. The name itself is not new, but what has been used informally so far has endeared itself to all parties."- Mah Bow Tan on the $400,000 exercise to rename Marina Bay as Marina Bay.

When I read this report I was like: What the fuck?!!. Singaporeans are oh-so-fucking-creative and they renamed the “Marina Bay” as ::Drum rolls:: “Marina Bay”! Woot! $400,000 for that as well. It is like I go in for a damn bloody exam and I hand in a clean piece of answer and I got an A. Seriously, either we need more creativity and innovation in our lives, or we need to stop coming up with this rename-this-fucking-place-which-has-used-this-name-for-as-long-as-i-can-remember bullshit.

"Save on one hairdo and use the money for breast screening."- Lim Hng Kiang

“Go style your hair nice nice and come over and let me screen your breast for you. “ - Dr(MBBS) Brose
*Aunties and ah mahs not allowed, unless if you still happen to be sibei chio and cute then I might consider.*

"We are not considering a casino but an IR- an integrated resort. IRs are quite different."- George Yeo.

The only difference is that Casino got 6 letters and IR got 2. Easier to count and say just like how we acronym every damn fucking thing in Singapore.

"Contrary to public perception, the White Horse classification is not to ensure that sons of influential men gets preferential treatment. Instead it is to ensure that they do not get preferential treatment."- Cedric Foo.

Who actually believes this bullshit? We all know that this wasn't the case. Ask anyone who has been through army. While I was still doing fucking push-ups at 10.30pm at night, the company with the White Horse is standing by their balcony drinking milo, eating maggi mee and watching me suffer. So you say they get treated according to directives? They (White Horse) do 20 push-ups and they get to recover. Limpeh do 15 push-ups liao fucking start from 0, and do to 20. And if you think white horse classification is just a term people used. I found out they had a more graphical representation a few years ago. Someone actually told me that those who were classified as White Horse had a – I shit you not – Bloody White Horse Icon next to their data records in Singapore's database.

"If we want to be a world-class city, if we want to be a nation that has got very good standards of public hygiene and cleanliness, the best place to start with is the public toilet."- Amy Khor.

I totally agree with this. Singapore toilets is da shit, literally. There is literally shit everywhere. It is as if people have some problems with aiming their anus or something. I walk into a cubicle and I see shit on the floor, in the bowl, on the seats, ALL over the seats... If you check closely I reckoned you will find some on the walls and even the ceilings. I guess thats what happen when people say “shit hits the fan”. That sight is enough to make me bulimic.

"If you don't include your women graduates in your breeding pool and leave them on the shelf, you would end up a more stupid society...So what happens? There will be less bright people to support dumb people in the next generation. That's a problem."- Lee Kuan Yew in 1983.

Thats why I encourage sex in the hostels hahaha. We get to de-stress and have fun. Mr LKY gets his smart people supporting other smart people. Great idea? Now I think about it, I would like to form a company to help students get into the mood. Shouldn't the government give me some sort of monetary aids for helping them solve their pressing issues?

Man... I have a feeling PAP is gonna recruit me for their next election. Or not.

How to fucking screw up your establishment

2005-06-06T15:05:00.000+08:00

Now let’s welcome to another mind whirling, heart tugging ~~weekly~~ ~~monthly~~ Once-in-a-fucking-blue-moon guide on “How to fucking screw up your establishment”. In case you guys haven’t guessed it yet (I don’t blame you for being slow… actually I do), today’s issue would focus on how to totally mess the running of a restaurant up just like ramming two planes straight into the world trade centers. You better take some paper and pen and start taking notes since you are an entrepreneur. Yes I assumed you are an entrepreneur. Since ALL 3 million population in Singapore are entrepreneur wannabes. Everyone out there is trying to be an entrepreneur, even my hamster is trying to sell me his nuts.

Without further ado, let’s get started.

The manager to a restaurant is just like Gay Lucas is to Star Wars. He calls the shots and he is a hella important fella. If he screws up, you are gonna end up with mightily shitty movies like the rest of the Moon Wars or something. When you hire a manager for your nifty little restaurant, hire someone who chats on the phone so often, a large portion of his brain is cooked from the radio waves. Oh yah! Make it a point to ensure that he chats during operating hours. And sms his lovey dovey girlfriend with sweet nothings every 15 mins. It’s a miracle he still hasn’t gotten blisters from the overuse of sms yet.

Make sure the manager (assistant) kick up a fuss with the most lao jiao (experienced) waiter in the restaurant. Make things difficult for him and nit-pick on his every mistake even the mistakes of others. Find small meaningless stuff to pick and him like reprimanding him on the colour of the moon. I mean… if the moon isn’t big enough its definitely his fault, so don’t hold back. Give him seemingly impossible and improbable task like asking him to enlarge the moon and increase the number of stars in the sky. Well, customer comes first doesn’t it? Nah! Cause he wants it to go star gazing with his girlfriend.

Make is a point to close your eyes and numb all your other senses and disable your Jedi powers (I know some of you out there claims you have Jedi powers!) when you are hiring waiters. Hire a waiter who put service as his lowest piority. Oh wait… Lemme try and recall what I have seen that waiter done that day. Stayed at the bar counter and chit chat with the chef and the manager. Drank water and laze around when there is stuff to be done. Have perfected that art of chao keng personnel at its max. When there is stuff to be done inside, he disappears outside. When there is stuff to be done outside, he comes inside.

Frankly speaking, there is no further misery in the world than having such a colleague. Well make sure you screw up all the rest of the waiters by hiring such a gay, I mean a guy whatever. He was pretty gay anyway. Such a combination breeds harmony, or issit disharmony? I can’t really remember after the endless rambling bullshit I hear everyday.

If you own such a restaurant, get your kids down to have a meal. Ask them to go with their friends (they will have a lot depending on how rich you are) and dine in. And excellent trait of the manager is to NOT recognize your offsprings at all. Let that chao keng waiter serve them and give them absolutely terrible service. After that get your kids to leave without asking for the bill. How screwed up is that.

Another skill for the manager (assistant) to have is to acquire the lack of common sense. So much so that he could get that most lao jiao waiter out of the restaurant to have a heart-to-heart talk. When customers ask you for the bill, what do you do? Continue with your chat. It’s more important that the discussion of the Casi *cough* I mean integrated resort. Let the customers wait. It is not like they are rushing off to catch the rerun of the Days of our lives. A 19.275-minutes wait for the bill is nothing at all. And while those two are having a talk, that chao keng waiter will activate his level 10 disappearing act and tuang somewhere faster you can say “WTF!” This would ensure that the restaurant has no more waiters at all and everything will screw up.

After the manager is back from the talk, further mess things up by swiping the credit card and billing it to the wrong table. Then go blame the only hardworking guy left in the restaurant. (Extra points for guessing who it is…) Piss the customer so much so its now his turn to have a heart to heart talk with the assistant manager.

List of complains include:
- Not clearing up the beer bottles and glasses.
- No refilling of the glasses of water
- The face of the chao keng waiter looks punchable
- Overall bad service

Make sure that making customers happy is simply a myth and the manager will try to avoid it at all cost. Simply refuse to sell a single scoop of vanilla ice cream to the customer cause your high class dessert with a fanciful name only comes in two scoops. After the customers cancelled their order cause they couldn’t put up with your bullshit any further, key in the order for 1 x tiramisu so you can further confuse the only hardworking waiter to prepare it because the manager made an error in keying it in. Make it a point not to inform the waiter so he can make a mistake and the manager can have an excuse to scream at his face.

Ok am I done yet? Hmm... Maybe. To top it off, after making the entire situation worse than Iraq, get the most hardworking waiter (If you still haven’t guessed it you should really be studying instead of reading this. I mean… if you are this dumb you gonna make it up with lots of hardwork) to go home. Get him to go back early so you can save on 1 hour of pay. I mean you lost maybe 10 potential customers today but you definitely can try to salvage the situation by saving up on money equivalent to 1 cup of orange juice. I wish I am kidding but I really experienced it.

The Adventures of the Peon Waiter - I

2005-05-28T02:17:00.000+08:00

I looked at the screen. New Game; Load Game; Options; Quit. I thought for a moment and selected New Game. *Poof* I suddenly reappeared in a musky tavern lit with lanterns illuminated by dancing candle flames. The wooden interior complete with wooden tables and chairs only add to the Medievia mood. Clanking metal mugs with overflowing orcish brew were all around. Loud rowdy customers of all sorts were having a roving good time. I took a sniff. I almost puked. The stench is overpowering. It has a kind of combination of rusty steel and rotten flesh smell. My eyes swept across the entire room one more time. Large green Orcs were seated at the corner, tapping the butt of their axes impatiently. a troll couple were enjoying their meal at the other corner of the hall, oblivious to the chaos. Some weary human adventurers could be seen resting their tired feet and enjoying their bread and water. The place feels so surreal. Every inhabitant of Azeroth and the dark lands beyond were able to come in here and eat peacefully. The Tavern is such a place.

I looked in the mirror. What the fuck! I am a Goddamn Peon. I do not want to be a Peon. Didn't I choose elf? Elves are much cooler. They possess an array of niffy little spells like "remove the clothes" , "enlarge the penis", "magic dildo", and excellent accuracy in firing their projectiles. Other than those spells, they certainly look much better. Peons suck. Green, short and ugly. I clicked on my objectives bar - Serve the customers. Apparantly I am the waiter for, I shit you not the name is really "The Tavern". I turned to look at the counter. I spotted a fair looking elf (which elf is dark anyway) which happens to be the manager for The Tavern. He was really nice as he beckoned me with a smile and started to brief me on my job scope. He attached me an upperstudy and I would be learning stuff from him.

Manager: Brose, you are still unable to take any orders due to a lack of experience. For now, you just follow whatever Jeff is doing. You just refill the water for the customers and help to clear the tables and serve food.
Brose: Yes SIR!

Blame it on my lack of experience but I can't take orders. I am only a lv 1 Peon - Rank: Extra baggage. I am basically worthless. The crowd started coming in and the tavern started to get crowded and brimming with liveliness. I am still in a daze. I am a newbie and I have no idea what to do. Gosh...

*Ding*

*Ding*

Manager: Brose! Remember this. When you hear the bell, go to the kitchen to get the food.
Brose: Yes SIR!

I still can't get used to it. It is my first day only. I am still learning. With more experience points I might be able to level up.

I walked into the kitchen and saw this tall grouchy tauren. He gave me a glare and continued to ring his huge yellow bell. I stammered, "Erm.. Is this the food?" Chef took a look at me and replied rather displeasingly, "Yes! Get it out now, we need more space to put the readied food." I tried taking one plate of food with each hand and I realised it is rather heavy. That plate isn't even a plate. That raw steak of rare dino meat is served on worn battle round shields. There is no way my puny green hands can carry that with my arms wobbling. I took it out and served the food to the orcish gentleman who were guzzing down their beer with fervor.

Manager shouting at me: Brose, bring them the steak knife!

By saying steak knife, it is an understatement. You would need more than a damn knife to cut dino meat. I ended up carrying three orcish cleaver to them and apologised. I was afraid they would eat me up. I hurried back. My arms are aching from carrying those shit. Can't they serve it on any lighter plates? Well...

"Brose! Stop Daydreaming. Bill for table 14!"
"Aye aye sir!"

To be continued...

Now you guys know why there is a lack of updates. I am basically rather busy with work and I am mostly shag out after work.

The makings of the Eye for a Guy

2005-05-23T23:28:00.000+08:00

(Long before Eye for a Guy 1 was out)

Producer: I think we should start having our very own local reality TV show.
Bigshot: Why should we? Our viewers love mindless dramas and worthless sitcoms.
Producer: Look at survivor! Everyone loves it! I believed Singapore can have their own reality TV show.
Bigshot: Okay. Even if that’s the case, what would our theme be? Survivor Pulau Ubin? Or… Survivor Tekong? *Chuckle*
Producer: Well, there are other genres to choose from. There could be Bachelor type of reality TV or even Amazing Race type.
Bigshot: Amazing Race is out of the question. You think Singapore fucking big izzit? Boon Lay race to Orchard confirm “is fun”. And somemore we “got” budget.
Producer: We can do some sort of dating shows, but with a twist.
Bigshot: Like?
Producer: The bachelorette turns out to be a ... TransVesTitE.

* Bigshot choked on his ~~coffee~~ cordon bleu *

Bigshot: What?!! There is no way the censorship board would allow that. We need to stick by the rules. We need to be stickier than chewing gum. Do you need me to repeat it to you?
Producer: No exposure of more than a combined surface area of 50cm2 of body flesh. No four letter words which starts with S and F. No ~~homosexual~~ happy people themes. No racism themes. No sexual connotations. No infantile nonsense blah blah.
Bigshot: That’s it. Abide by the rules. The last producer who broke the rules was sent to Iraq as fertilizer.

* A moment of silence *

Producer: Ok then we shall have some dating reality show then. This will satisfy the horny girls and tiko guys.
Bigshot: Hmm. So are we gonna have a Jin Tong (Bachelor) or a Yu Nu (Bachelorette)?
Producer: We can use Rachel Lee as the Bachelorette. She was nominated as the FHM Bikini Babe and she got guys swooning over her figu, err… I mean character and intellect.

* Bigshot adjusted his pants to make space for his awakening dragon *

Bigshot: Okay, seems like we got ourselves a show. I have even thought of the purfect name for it. Bachelorette – Singapore Edition!
Producer: Wouldn’t it look like we are imitating the US reality TV show?
Bigshot: Come on. We are not paid to be creative. Who cares anyway? Singaporeans like to whine and complain anyway. At least we are making it easier for them to spot the similarities this time.
Producer: I am afraid we might be sued by the producers of Bachelorette.
Bigshot: Sue sue sue… Is that all they know how to do? Where is the code of honor these days. Can’t people even take a little joke? Anyway, I want you to give me the name of the show by tomorrow. I am gonna go meet my err… friend. If my wife calls, tell her I am out with clients.

* Producer nods his head as the Bigshot swaggers out of the office, adjusting his coconuts again *

Producer: Wah lan eh. A show with a lot of guy and 1 girl. Hmm.. “10 guys and a girl”? Not bad. What does guy rhyme with? Pie… Tie… Lie… “Guys with the Lies”? Not good enough. Need to find 10 bak chui (eyes) ta (stick) stamp guys to be on the show. Eyes! Aha! Eye for a Guy!
Producer: Sibei shag… Limpeh teng chu koon.
* Translation – Fucking tired, I am going home to sleep *

That’s how Eye for a Guy was conceived. To be continued…

What’s the big deal about Star Wars?

2005-05-17T15:30:00.000+08:00

The very first Star Wars film was made nearly 2 decades ago and it was also then the Star Wars craze started. What’s with people getting all crazy and hippy about the release of a new Star Wars film? And with the screening of Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, chances are you are bound to find or meet some idiot near you who is fucking excited about it. You can easily identify them when they say, “May the force be with you” Yea right. May my fist be with you dumbass. Or when your Jedi-wannabe friend starts saying “Ketchup to me pass the” in the middle of a restaurant. What a bunch of kids deprived of childhood and have to impersonate the characters that exist only in a movie. And don’t you try and convince me that there are really Jedi warriors in this world, my fist still hurts from punching that last guy.

In case you were too busy wrestling with the imaginary milk bottle monster to catch the release of the very first Star Wars movie, you must have watched it showing on the TVs. Not that you have a choice, TCS have a habit of showing old films over and over again until the physical copy of the movie literally crumples or when it actually get covered in so much dust they can’t find it, whichever comes first. Programme planners says that it is because Star Wars is a really good movie and everyone deserves to enjoy it. I say its bullshit cause they just want to milk every penny they paid for the film.

It’s ridiculous how people can camp outside the theatre for two whole damn months (I wish I am kidding, it was on the New Paper), that’s around 60 days, which is around 1440 hours wasted just to watch the first screening of the Star Wars. What’s the big deal being among the first few in the world to catch the screening of Star Wars? Does it make them any less of a loser? Can they jump higher, run faster and become smarter? Maybe it gives them bragging rights when they can proudly proclaim to all their friends they are a Star Wars Whore. These people really have as much life as a dead raccoon. I can only imagine them sleeping for years only to wake up from their hibernation to catch the screening of Star Wars. As if being fanatic wasn’t enough, they have to buy every memorabilia. First time I see people actually queuing to try and give money to someone else as fast as possible and as happy as they did. You walk into the theatre laughing and George Lucas is laughing all the way to the bank, driving his Ferrari of course. You just paid for needle on his dashboard meter.

The Lightsaber is lame. Reason? Because it is a LightSabre. It is made of Light. Where is the stealth? You kill one guy and the rest of the enemy in the base (Even those that are busy watching robot porn) can see the bright red dildo swinging around in the dark. And because of lightsabers, you see little kids carrying saber-like toys with a torch swinging it around with that irritating “VeooM… VeOooMm” sound coming out from their lips. If you think such kids look and sound stupid, wait til you have met fanatical moronic adults. I don't even want to imagine what they will do.

“But… I want to know the ending of the movie Brose” Then buy the book and read it! Stop being lazy and start to read a book. (Although I strongly discourage anyone to do so. Laziness is the only way of life)

I can even tell what the storyline is gonna be like.

- Someplace somewhere there is a new menace
- Then this new menace is gonna threaten the survival of something
- Some young guy will appear and he will be the Jedi who doesn’t die, ever
- Some girl will fall in love with him so George Lucas can have some sex scenes to satisfy the horny males
- And maybe some love story to appease the females who were dragged to the cinema by their boyfriends
- There will be some sort of training which the Jedi will learn to use his goddamn powers
- Yoda will be there and he will STILL speak like a fag. Actually, I kinda liked him
- There will be some big machines that looked like huge elephants with osteoporosis
- There will be some plane chase so Lucas can show off his amazing special effects
- Some Epic Lightsaber fight will break out between the Jedi and the villain
- It’s damn stupid why they insist to fight with that lame sword when you can easily kill the other guy with one gun shot
- That villain will be wearing a mask of some sort
- Good guy wins and bad guys dies or flees

Wow! Star Wars has such a good storyline and it’s so unpredictable. I can’t wait to watch it. I rather spend my money on better movies.

I am never going back to ChinaBlack again...

2005-05-13T15:01:00.000+08:00

This was supposed to be a night out clubbing with the girls after exams. After that night, I remembered why I hated ChinaBlack that much.

The Music Sucks
Seriously. The music in the club is very important. Unless you are deaf. It affects the types of idiots swarming in. And the seizure-like dance moves those rapper, break dancer wannabes shake their booty to. As if dancing to R&B wasn't bad enough, the DJ decides to play some horrible music to try NOT get clubbers into the mood of dancing. To further reinforce my point, I saw two air-heads trying to dance some funky hiphop to impress some girl. I so almost tossed them a 50 cent coin and inform them to go bask elsewhere. I looked at Viv's face and I thought she was sick. Instead she told me she was hella bored. Yes, it is THAT BAD.

Free Flow Sucks
It was a Wednesday and thus was a Ladies' Nite. The freeflow drinks have as much alcohol as Hallal beer. I can open a packet of fruit juice and I can find more alcohol content in it from the fermentation of the fruit sugar by bacteria. For guys who were in Army, you guys rememeber the drinks they serve in the cookhouse? I shit you not, that's the taste of the freeflow housepour. That Vodka Cranberry tasted like SAF syrup drink. There is no way anyone can get high on that, let alone drunk. I smell something fishy... If the girls wants to keep drinking only freeflow, they would most likely visit the toilet very often. And since there is only 1 small toilet in the whole of ChinaBlack, it limits the amount of drinks the girls can drink. Well, you can try your very best to get drunk, it is just like trying to stop Cyndi Wang from acting cute - it's just not possible.

What? $68 for a Jug of Long Island Tea?
After a certain time, the price of the drinks skyrockets. I have to sell blood to pay for my alcohol. Throw in part of my liver as well. 1 x shot of Sambuca for $13. 1 x jug of Beer for $38!! It was only $10 an hour ago. I felt so cheated. Graveyard costs $25. Double O also has Ladies Nite that day and the drinks are so much cheaper. Zouk has One for One from 11 to 12 and we all know that Zouk is very generous with its alcohol.

Stupid Re-entry policy
All the other shortcomings can be excusable if I could actually get back in and 'pretend' I am having fun. But alas, that's not the case. When you leave ChinaBlack, you would have to queue to re-enter it even if you have the 'chop' on your hand. This is the most stupid policy ever. So why did you even choose to 'chop' my hand in the first place? I queued up a total of 3 times that night. First time, I queued up for myself. Second time, I queued up to accompany Felix. Third Time, I queued up to accompany Eileen and her friend. For god sake, I am a fucking paying customer. I am practically the reason why those females are getting free flow and free entry and you want me to re-queue even though I have already paid the cover charge? The third time I queued, the queue didn't even move. I stood there for like a little over half and hour. I swear I queued up more than actually clubbing that day.

I am never going back there again. Not even in the company of 7 girls. I would rather stick to Zouk, Double O or Mdm Wong.

Conspiracy Theory? Yes or no?

2005-05-11T13:12:00.000+08:00

Okay guys. This is really funny. I got this from greenappledelight.

I can't believe someone actually can think of such far-fetched ideas.

"Kinda like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Eddy with his comical nature and self-deprecating sense of humour was clearly endearing to many while Brose..well he's an a**hole with arrogance and wicked wit. Makes sense to me, don't you think so? That only leaves me with one curious thought - could Anna of wonkytong.blogspot.com be Eddy+Brose exploring the err feminine side of him? Or wait, it could be Anna exploring the masculine sides of her. It'll be fun to know. But this reminds me of the Santa Monica song by Savage Garden. You could be anyone you want to be in the blogosphere, but when the lights go out, your latest entry "published", you and your different personas crawl wearily into bed together. Somehow it wasn't as fun or fulfilling as you thought it'd be and blog readers like me can be selfish.

We want to read and be entertained, we want to read and point fingers; but as we read about them through a very small keyhole, we never bother to knock on the door to see who is behind it. "
- copied from the site

Isn't it amazing? These people have imagination so fruitful I suspect they have been reading stuff like the Da Vinci Code and all. I also want to read that book someday but I couldn't get my hands on a copy.

Next part:

"Or maybe, i'm really the last person to know. Maybe all the SG bloggers knew of this conspiracy. The secret behind Bubblemunche AND Brosebynature.

Annoymous Eddy Neo with his dead-end job and "loser" lifestyle +Brose, self-proclaimed genius and Life Sciences major in NUS = SAME PERSON? "

Okay. This is a comment from joline:

<joline>: from what i've gathered from his past posts (not that he has been 100% honest abt EVERYTHING but...) I think he's
from NTU doing business i think, not in NUS.

Wow. Isn't this getting real confusing? Think about the possibilities. I could actually be anyone! I could even be your 80 yr old Grandmother blogging at home to try and rant and vent her anger cos you laughed at her for watching the same soap drama when it was re-runed for the fifth time. I could even be the pet hamster next door. The hamster who accidentally touched some Kryptonite and transformed into some Einstein mouse capable of adopting an online persona to blog. I mean if I tell you I am an hamster no one would believe right? And I could be bubblemunche? Frankly speaking I am not that bored yet.

Doesn't this feels like One huge conspiracy puzzle? Maybe we are all in the Matrix. Choose the red pill or the blue pill.

Anyway Eddy isn't a loser stuck with his dead-end job. He is actually studying in NTU. I stopped reading his blog after that. I felt cheated. Anna... hmm... Isn't Anna supposed to be in the States? But interesting observation though.

Okay, I shall reveal 1 more clue. I am from RVHS (River Valley High School).

So... Is this a conspiracy? *Manical laughter in the background*

What is your alcohol level?

2005-05-11T02:23:00.000+08:00

Basically this site calculates the alcohol blood level in BAC. Beers Are Cool or is it Blood Alcohol Content, I can’t remember which. Honestly, I think some of the stuff there is bullshit. 5 beers and I am in the .10 region? This is so grossly inaccurate. I mean.. isn’t beer just water? Who gets drunk drinking beer anyway. Walking to and fro the toilet to piss because beer has so much water in it is freaking irritating. At least it trains my bladder.

Since exams is over, I am gonna get shit drunk when I go clubbing tomorrow. I will test it out personally and drink from 11 to around 1 non-stop. That is if I don’t get pissed off with the R&B in the club playing Idunnowatthefuckyourarerappingcosicanthearyourgoddamnwords.

I shall hereby write something non-infantile for once and start to actually educate the general public and any foreigners to identify the language we use to associate with our drunkedness level.

0.02 — 0.03 BAC: No loss of coordination, slight euphoria and loss of shyness. Depressant effects are not apparent. Mildly relaxed and maybe a little lightheaded.

High? Abit lar…
Should be the feeling when you step into the pub and some idiot blows opium smoke right into your face. Uncontrollable urge to pour a jug of water over his head to put out the fire.

0.04 — 0.06 BAC: Feeling of well-being, relaxation, lower inhibitions, sensation of warmth. Euphoria. Some minor impairment of reasoning and memory, lowering of caution. Your behavior may become exaggerated and emotions intensified (Good emotions are better, bad emotions are worse)

Feeling lai liao aka Somewhere there liao
This would be around the time I start feeling good. (After 1 –2 Bourbon Coke and some Long Island Tea) And might start to ~~curse and swear~~ recite poetry.

0.07 — 0.09 BAC: Slight impairment of balance, speech, vision, reaction time, and hearing. Euphoria. Judgment and self-control are reduced, and caution, reason and memory are impaired You will probably believe that you are functioning better than you really are.

There already!
I start to believe I am really good-looking. I think I am the best dancer and would start asking every one of my friends to go onto the dance floor and dance. Actually, this should be the place to keep the alcohol level at. (1 x Graveyard, 3 x Tequila shots, on top of the Bourbon and Long Island Tea)

0.10 — 0.125 BAC: Significant impairment of motor coordination and loss of good judgment. Speech may be slurred; balance, vision, reaction time and hearing will be impaired. Euphoria. It is illegal to operate a motor vehicle at this level of intoxication in all states.

High + Sei2
I think I still can drink another 10 shots of Tequila. I might even say “Hi! What’s your name?” to a girl and she would reply “Erm.. We met last week.” Yes. I tried that before. So pai sey. Wasn’t the last time also.

0.13 — 0.15 BAC: Gross motor impairment and lack of physical control. Blurred vision and major loss of balance. Euphoria is reduced and dysphoria* is beginning to appear. Judgment and perception are severely impaired.

Sibei Sei2
I start to argue and insist that I still can drive. Even though I am only qualified to drive Daytona. I have problem getting my dick out of my pants to piss and have problem stuffing it back and zipping up my pants. Getting from the table to the toilet and back (safely) is about as hard as the Journey to the West.

0.16 — 0.19 BAC: Dysphoria predominates, nausea may appear. The drinker has the appearance of a "sloppy drunk."

Bei Tahan aka feel like puking aka Merlion
I suddenly feel like puking. Partly becos Graveyard taste like shit. I will slouch around weird objects and start swaying my body to and fro’. No one calls me a sloppy drunk!

0.20 BAC: Feeling dazed/confused or otherwise disoriented. May need help to stand/walk. If you injure yourself you may not feel the pain. Some people have nausea and vomiting at this level. The gag reflex is impaired and you can choke if you do vomit. Blackouts are likely at this level so you may not remember what has happened.

Gone liao
Friends start dragging me across the goddamn place before I start puking on the dance floor. I will start to curse and swear a lot. And I passed out. The last time this happened I drank roughly 2 bourbon coke, ½ jug Long Island tea, 1 Graveyard (or was it 2?), fucking a lot of tequila shots (around 15 or more).

0.25 BAC: All mental, physical and sensory functions are severely impaired. Increased risk of asphyxiation from choking on vomit and of seriously injuring yourself by falls or other accidents.

Gone and Concuss liao
There is no way I can reach this level if I pass out before it. You would wake up feeling so dehydrated you thought you slept in the desert. You wake up having lots of strange bruises and cuts all over your body and you have no idea how you got them. You lose part of your tooth.

0.30 BAC: STUPOR. You have little comprehension of where you are. You may pass out suddenly and be difficult to awaken.

I mean, who is easy to awaken after they have passed out? Actually I am pretty easy to handle when drunk. I might start having weird totally pointless arguments with inanimate objects tho. I once argued with a table lamp for 15 mins and I tried to punch it before my friends pull me away. I swear that lamp was laughing at me...

0.35 BAC: Coma is possible. This is the level of surgical anesthesia.

I would take alcohol over regular anesthesia anytime. Seriously I don't believe abyone can get their BAC this high before they pass out.

0.40 BAC and up: Onset of coma, and possible death due to respiratory arrest.

Hmm… Really can die from drinking? Man… should I try?

Okay. There you go. You very own informative guide on how to die from overdosage of alcohol consumption.

I am back!!

2005-05-11T02:16:00.000+08:00

I am back!! Basically I sorted out some stuff in real life and realised I really like to write shit on my blog. So i guessed I am back. Anyway the traffic has went down which is good. Less kay-pohs. I initially stopped blogging cause I was upset and couldn't think of any funny things to write about. I mean... if I can't make myself laugh, there is no way I can make my friends laugh. To cut the goddamn grandmother story short, I am back. You guys can start to open your vintage 80 years wine to celebrate.

Anyway this was my goodbye letter :

Dear all,

I actually wanted to end this blog with just a blank screen but I figured I should at least give the reason to those who have supported me in one way or the other.

I didn't start this blog to gain attention. It is just a simple blog for me and my friends. I have never advertised it or done excessive comments to drive up traffic. If you think that the way I write is offensive and attention seeking, so be it. That's just me.
If the people who flamed me on being attention seeking would just stop posting links here there everywhere; asking their friends, relatives, pets, plants and their long lost cousins to flame me, my traffic wouldn't be so crazily high

What I couldn't stand is friends (used to be) who told the whole world who I am and stuff like that. So you all want my date of birth and DNA as well?
Come on, it's my blog. And these people are ranting on my blog? I treated you as a friend and you sold out my identity?
Well done. Some even went as far as to log on using multiple different anonymous nicks to flame me.
Yes I wrote all the articles in this blog cos I am bored. You criticise me so much and all you can do is to log on multiple accts to flame me?

The reason why I decided to terminate this blog is because the original reason for its creation and existence, is now gone. There is no point for me in continuing blogging anymore. It was supposed
to be fun for me to write and destress. To express my views in the internet where free speech is being practiced. Now this is no longer fun nor is it private.

I agree that beauty isn't everything. Of cos it isn't everything. But you have got to admit that learning how to dress
is an important skill to learn when we come out to work. To those who say that girls aren't dressing up for me to see. Of cos you people
are not dressing up for me to see. You guys are dressing up for yourselves! It is for your own good, not mine. I couldn't care less
if you dress like you are going to chiong everyday or not, it is none of my business and it doesn't concern me. I have no say over your life
and similarly I feel that I should have a little privacy over my own life.

I am no hunk. Neither am i good looking. On contrary, I am fucking ugly and I am basically criticizing myself. I have never denied
that. But does that mean I can't voice out? You guys criticize the government sucks but you aint any politician.
You don't need to be Simon Cowell to put-down people's singing and Forrester to judge on writing. I hear people criticising the lecturers and I dun see the same
guys who criticize them being an educator. Most of you guys have procrastinated in one way or the other. For those who flamed me, think about it, can you
actually tell yourself truthfully that you have never said anything bad about anyone before? No one is a saint. It is only human nature to criticize and judge.
The only difference is I have done it on a place where I thought that it would be private - boy was I wrong.

I admit that my post was insulting and degrading. But I didn't criticise them outright. Take it with a pinch of salt. If you havent died from heart attack or stroke (whichever comes first) after reading my post,
you would have seen the rest of my articles. Which one of my articles is true anyway? Most are exagerrated and made to be taken light heartedly. I didn't single anyone or group of people out specifically but some of the people are making it
a personal vendetta towards me. I only commented on some issues which are touchy, some replied with such angst I almost thought I killed their entire family.

For those who say my engrish gramma watsoever sucks. I am no journalist and I can't write well for nuts. This blog is meant for me to read. Not you. If you can't
stand my primary school standard of English then dun read it.

If I offended anyone in anyway I have to say I didn't mean it. Anyway, you are not supposed to read it cos its my blog.
Since there are people who actually agree with me, there must be a certain element of truth. Even if I made only 1 person tried to dress
up, it's worth it.

There is no fun for me to continue blogging anymore.

Bye, Brose

PS. I know who actually flamed me and the ones who pretended to be chiobu just to justify their cause. I know who you are!
It's okay if you are having fun flaming me, just don't overdo it.

**Update**: Someone tried to pose as me to post comments on the blog of some who flamed me. Guys dun do that. If not we are as childish as there are.
And for those whose's tagboard or comments have my name after I post this good-bye msg, it wasn't done by me. The only message I left was on Anna's Blog.
And you had your fun so don't try and defame me anymore. I am an asshole but I am not as evil to expose who you are. tata~

Are the students from National University of Singapore (Faculty of Science) really that boring and ugly?

2005-04-29T21:18:00.000+08:00

This post is a highly serious one so I urge everyone, including my close friends, to refrain from laughing while reading it.

I have been studying there for 2 whole years (Majoring in Life Sciences) and I will be graduating in around a year’s time so it would be appropriate for me to make objective judgements. Let’s admit it - most of the Science Majors are ugly. And the situation isn’t getting any better. It is the congregation of all the ugly 18 to 24 years old in Singapore.

We can change the motto to “NUS Faculty of Science – Brains need no Beauty.” I am pretty sure we can do an entire marketing campaign to attract all the talented nerds from all over the world to study here. I have even thought of the lines for them. “Have you almost given someone a heart attack when they looked at your face? Do your parents forbid you to roam around at night, fearing you might scare someone to death? Was your nickname “FREAK” in secondary school? Have you ever made a child cry when you tried to cuddle him? Did your friends only allow you to tag along in Orchard if you wore a paper bag over your head? We want you!! Come to NUS and experience the nerdy college life in the Faculty of Science. You may be ugly, but so are we!!”

I have visited other faculties and assessed for myself the quality of other girls. I really wish I am exaggerating. If I have a dollar for everytime I hear the words “Man… Look how *Buang that girl is” I will be driving a BMW Cabriolet.
*slang for ugly

I still remember my first few days in this esteemed institute. I enrolled to join in the orientation group in hopes of meeting cute chicks. I knew beforehand that the population of females would be high and I was right. There were 3 guys and 17 girls in my Orientation Group (OG). The ratio is roughly the same for the other OG(s). Thinking that with the high number of females, I would at least see some eye candy. I was thankful I still haven’t suffered irreversible cornea damage.

The proportion of decent looking girls in the faculty is heavily skewered towards the left. Never have I in my life witnessed the statistical phenomenon that it is actually possible to gather 100 females in the same room and not find a single cute girl. The males are not any much better. You would never need more than two hands to count the cute guys in the faculty. I have to give credit that there were actually decent looking males and females around but it is worse than finding a needle in a haystack.

I used to have this theory that “A young and slim girl can’t look too bad.” The students in Life Sciences made me eat my words. It is actually possible to be young, slim and STILL be FUGLY. I knew I won’t see super models and drop dead gorgeous babes hanging around the school compound, but I didn’t expect a society reject convention.

The phrase: “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder” takes on a different meaning here. To me, it is a shortsighted one. I am slightly shortsighted and I don’t have the habit of wearing glasses other than during lectures and tutorials. This blurry vision alone makes the place much more bearable. At least I can’t see the staple-marks and craters on the faces of the girls. Maybe it is God’s way of showing his love for me.

Do you have any idea how much do I have to lower my expectations just to date the girls in this faculty? You would really need to close more than one eye for that, try both eyes instead. As my friend Chris puts it “ You really need to be pretty drunk.” Those girls were the very same ones that I wouldn’t even take a second look while I was in secondary school and junior colleges. I wouldn’t mind if the girls were actually fun to be with but apparently most define fun as mugging in the library. I would rather watch teletubbies.

T-shirts, polo-tees and cargo pants seemed to be the standard uniform of the students here. The fashion sense of the students is appalling. They ARE the walking definition of ‘Fashion Disaster’. Even my mum dresses better when buying fish and vegetables from the market. The weather in Singapore is like the mid levels of hell, yet the girls are wrapping themselves up with jeans, T-shirts and sweaters that would make the Muslim ladies in Iraq proud. Do they have some inherent allergy to spaghetti tops, hot pants and mini-skirts? Most of the students here more than qualify for “Extreme Makeover – Special Disaster Episode”.

Quite a lot of the students looked as if they had never seen a real sun other than on the Discovery Channel. Their skin tone would embarrass Sadako. Asking the girls to use cosmetics is just like asking Britney to remain a virgin – it just doesn’t go together. Is it a fashion statement in Science to look as ugly as possible. If that was their purpose, I am pretty sure they have outdone themselves.

They define ‘walking to the Science Library from the canteen’ as exercise and reading up ten-year series in the library as having fun. Unfit and unhealthy is an understatement. They take absolutely no pride in their overall outlook. Their hair is most of a time such a disaster I wondered where they got their haircut. I could do better with a lawn mower.

Maybe there is nothing one could do with their genetic looks without undergoing plastic surgery. But there is no excuse for smelling like a rubbish dump. The suffocating combination of smelly feet, unwashed hair and body odor could qualify as a weapon of mass destruction. I might make a fortune if I propose this new weapon to SAF to be included into our standard defense arsenal. Once I had to change seats in the middle of the lecture as the deadly stench permeating from the guy sitting in front of me almost killed me. Is it really so hard to take a bath?

Let me repeat myself again. There is nothing sexy or attractive with females having hairy legs and armpits. What is it with females who looked like they just came through a time machine right from the Stone Age? The sight of the Amazon Forest coming into full bloom when the arms are raised up is the anti-thesis of Viagra. That sight alone is enough to make Austin Powers impotent. Just trying to recall that horrifying image brings shudders through my spine.

I know God made men and rested on the last day. Did he rest on the day he made the people of this faculty too? Was God trying to be funny? Or was he trying to test out his creative skills? The girls look as if their faces have been run over by a garbage truck – over and over again. What have we done to incur his rancorous wrath? It’s pretty much sure that we haven’t done anything worse than or even remotely close to murder.

When I was talking to my friend Jefferd about this problem, he summed it up by saying “Only the lab techs were decent looking”. This explains a lot. Something is terribly wrong if we have to look at lab technicians whom are at least four years older than the girls in our faculty. You can see more babes while walking from the Arts bus stop to the Arts canteen than your entire three months in Science.

It is not like the males are any much better. Obviously some of the males are decent looking but this is rather rare due to the low population of males in Science. Just hang out in the Sports and Recreation Center (SRC) and you would be able to see more cute and hunky guys in five minutes than five weeks in Science. Well, maybe some of them are homosexuals. But at least gays dress up and smell much better.

Perhaps the high level of fiendishness in this faculty could be excusable if it was actually a fun place. Alas, that’s not the case. Their bashes and parties are actually class gatherings disguised under the dim lighting of a pub environment surrounded by loud music. It baffles me to see a whole group of friends sitting around a table with, I shit you not, 2 jugs of coke for the entire duration of the night. I would quote someone by saying that the people here are actually socially retarded but I have actually seen retarded people at charitable homes having fun and being sociable.

Maybe all the other shortcomings of the faculty could be pardoned if the people here were interesting to talk to. Read the conversation in the article here and you would think that I am joking. But I have really heard students from the Science Club communicating in that way. Holding a decent conversation with them is just like trying to get the Singapore Government to legalize and allow proliferation of pornography – it’s just not possible.

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me after reading this article. They will probably say that the life here isn’t actually so bad and I am actually having unrealistic expectations of University life. I tell you, GO TAKE A WALK in the other faculties. Just spend 2-hours (11am-1pm) in either the Arts or the Business canteen and see for yourself. Open up your eyes and look at the quality of girls in the other faculties, then come back and apologize to me for saying stupid things.

I know I am probably gonna piss off almost the entire faculty with this article but I don’t give a damn. Most of them won’t be reading this anyway since they would be preoccupied with reading their Biology textbook for the seventeenth time. I am graduating soon and I think that it is my duty to inform the rest of the world how fucked up this place is. People usually envy me when I tell them I am from Science and they go on and on at the high number of females here. Little do they realize that it isn’t a joke to be surrounded by she-apes all the time. I probably won’t get any more dates after this but I have already gotten to know most of the better-looking girls in Life Sciences. This article can’t hurt me too much. If you feel that you actually look pretty and want to hang out with me, drop me a mail…

Questions from Friendster Bulletin List

2005-04-29T00:38:00.000+08:00

I wonder why people keep posting and re-posting those stuff in the Friendster Bulletin. Well anyway I was looking through my entire collection of ~~porn~~ elite essays and realised that I did this list a few weeks ago while I was sick. Without further ado...

1. What did you do a few minutes ago?
Saving the world… Ok I lied. Cutting and pasting this. What else?

2. Why did you do that?
To blog this article?

3. Who's on your mind right now?
Trust me. You dun wanna noe. The medicine I just ate is taking its effect.

4. Do you miss school?
Only the cute girls in it.

5. Where r your mom n dad?
Hopefully in bedroom sleeping. I didn’t hear weird sounds today.

6. Do you have any younger bro/sis?
Yea. A couple.

7. Do you love your younger bro/sis?
… Pls stop asking gayish questions.

8. Are you sometimes moody?
I think a more appropriate question would be “When are you not moody?”
But this question seriously sucks. I mean. Who is happy all the time? Except gays.

9. Where do you really wanna go to?
Not the prison.

10. Which one do you prefer..msn or ym?
Wtf is ym?

11. What's your fave drink?
ALCOHOL!!!!!

12. What best describes you?
~~Horny.~~ Cute!

13. Are you picky?
I am a guy with standards.

14. Do you love shopping?
Depends on whether I am spending my own money.

15. Where do you usually go shopping?
Iraq. Stupid question leh. Of cos Singapore la

16. What r the 3 best things you'd like to do?
Legal or illegal?

17. How many times a day do you shower?
Can’t you tell from my manly aura?

18. How long do you shower?
Depends on who I am in the shower with.

19. If you happen to spot a brand new wallet
Check got money or not. Then see whether it is branded or not. Then see whether it is dropped by a Chio bu or not.

20. If you happen to win 10 000 dollars, what will u buy?
Some common sense for those stupid NUS students.

21. What makes you freak out?
Freaks. Duh!

22. Where do you live?
On the moon.

23. Are you the president of any clubs?
Golf club.

24. Are you a prefect at school?
They wouldn’t want me after the shit I pulled on them the last time.

25. prs?
Erm. Aint prs aka Prostitutes?

26. pps?
Pms I noe. Wtf is pps? Powerpoint slide?

27. monitor?
Yes. 50 inch and comes with flat panel also.

28. assistant monitor?
Stop asking me stupid questions.

29. What's your opinion on chocolates?
I am not gonna comment on this question cos frankly speaking I find it quite racist.

30. What color is your room's wall?
Was light blue until…

31. Who cleans your room?
My pet hamster.

32. Who was the last person who yelled at you?
Dead or still alive? They usually don’t live very long after pissing me off.

33. Last testimonial?
The testimonial before the 2nd last testimonial

34. What are you feeling right now?
My keyboard keys

35. What time did you wake up this morning?
I dun wake up in the morning. I sleep all the way to afternoon.

36. How many times have your profile in friendsters been viewed?
About as many as the craters on Mark Lee’s face.

37. What's the most annoying thing a person could do?
Annoy me!

38. If a stranger girl/boy happens to smile at you, would you smile back?
I would run if it is a male. And I would cover my backside as well while doin so.

39. What does Donald Trump means to you?
Donald Duck holding a 2 of spades.

40. Lastly, what are you going to do after this?
Post my blog. And save the world.

Dumb comments from dumb people

2005-04-27T00:42:00.000+08:00

For God’s sake can people stop posting half assed shit comments to posts? After some intensive research into the comments people actually post, I realized that the comments could generally be divided into a few categories. (No extra points for guessing where I took these comments from. But if you really can’t tell where I got them from, you are either 1. Really retarded or 2. Have a life. I wish you belonged to the latter.)

Attention Seeking BlogWhores

Of course I disabled and edited their links. Why would I want to give them more traffic right? I am an asshole anyway.

moongster said...
My views on faiths and beliefs here:
http://IAMABLOGWHORE.blogspot.com/

Wow. What a blog whore. Why don’t you try something like. Click here for my nekkid pics? You would definitely get more traffic.

BlackSnow Falling said...
http://blackshitfalling.blogspot.com/2005/04/of-gods-and-religions.html

Religions are not biased. Perspectives are.

Another ONE!

agent quantum said...
alright. click the link.

my argument against religion - a compilation

i think the part you're asking for should be in part one of the thingy.

agent quantum said...

hm. is blogger really lagging or is my post not being displayed on the main page...

agent quantum said...

ok now it is.

As if one comment isn’t enough. This genius thought posting 3 consecutive comments might actually help. Nice try trying to push the blame on blogger.

Hatemails!!! (Of course)

sAddIs+ said...
xx is such a racist..jus becos u dun support christianity doesn;t mean u gotta diss it k...n so wat city harvest church is rich...at least ppl like us actually giv willingly...n we dun force ppl 2 b saved...they make their own choice...u hav nv felt the hly spirit...much less felt the presence of GOD!!!! so ppl jus stop all tis nonsense...tis is totally sick...u can go to jail 4 tis...

Why does sAddIs+ sounds like a 6 year old idiot who can’t speak and can’t type?

Ball Lickers of the webmaster and defend them against others

Henry said...
You Guys don't understand ENGLISH?
The owner of the blog says : Stop and you guys keep yaking away.

I repeat.
Don't overstep your boundary on saying just christian stuff and don't overstep your boundary on saying christian is bad. Its does no good even you have the better hand. It just shows that you never respect the owner of the blog as you never abide by her rules. And also it just shows that you guys does not have self-control. People has their own belief system and needs breathing space. Even if your constant bombarment is true, it will just get irritating and hard to breathe.
However, don't critize with your own things as you don't judge the whole flock by one or two.
Guys: this stuff needs a ending. It cannot go on forever! so respect the owner, respect the people.

His comment is so goddamn long and meaningless I didn’t read it. I hope you didn’t read it too. Or did you only see this warning after reading it? Haha.

Some thought their name has a ‘Tolkien’ in it.

Hecate said...
In an increasingly secular world, religion is constantly being undermined, often with negative connotations. Not just Christianity in all its different denominations, but Islam and even Hinduism as well. The reason why Christianity and Islam always come up in discussions is because of the long histories and traditions that they have had, and its widespread faith in the world.
.
[I edited out everything in the middle. Roughly 6 paragraphs of bullshit.]
.
While the blogosphere is one that has no restrictions whatsoever, we ought to exercise some on our own when it comes to infringing upon the rights of other individuals (their free will to a faith, their free will to speak up on something and not be flamed about it). Being criticised is constructive, being flamed is not.

Would you like to get to the point or maybe even write a trilogy or quadrology? I did a word count and that freaking comment is Six Hundred and Ninety Eight Goddamn bloody words long. Honestly, I wish I were exaggerating.

Sad to say, I scrolled further down and realized this isn’t the only award winning essay he wrote. Neither is this the only Novelist wannabe.

Some think they are Einstein

Xianghong said...
kalzth: There are many alternative scientific theories to the Big Bang, all of which do not require a First Cause. You do realise the fallacies of the First Cause argument... right?

What in the world is First Cause argument? No I don’t read Encyclopedias before I sleep. You tell me…

People who are actually honest.

misstan said...
Hello XX, it's my first time leaving a comment at your blog :)

I've been reading your entries for some time.. But seriously, it's getting boring.

At last! Someone with enough balls to say the truth.

Printed in black & white by Comradewolf said...

xiaxue, please please write something new. this is getting a tad boring. ): well in my opinion but you have all the right to continue whatever you like (:

take care..

Only until now she is starting to get it? Better late than never... at least she got it now. Some people never will.

Diehard loyal supporters
(Sometimes also known as SFDWNOOTO. Stupid Freaking Dickheads with no opinions of their own) They would support any shit the webmaster says and force themselves to laugh at it while commenting with the intelligence of a 3 year old.

cyborg`09 said...
I agreed everything XX said abt the funeral. Cheers. Rock on! Ur Blog is good

This idiot posted the wrong reply regarding the wrong post. Is he stupid or what? But hey… if you can’t even post the comment correctly, of course you would enjoy her blog since it says so much about your intelligence.

bloodyfish said...
I lOVE YOU XX :)

The society needs more ppl like you.

Yea and your name should be called bloodyfuck. Why don’t you make an appointment with your optician tomorrow? Your eyes seriously need some checking.

Anubite said...
Hmm. I like your blog.

Just dont understand why u seem so biased against little boys (10-16)
cuz i just read ur geek! blog. and it seems dead.

pls don't condemn this as hate-comment.

just my pov.
have u read lord of the flies?
finished it last term

Mi5hR@.

No I read Lord of the Rings. And I fucking hate it when people cannot spell their damn nick properly. What the hell is Mi5hR@?? Isn’t it supposed to be Mishra? Stop acting cool and stuff cos you aint. How do I know? Simple. From this: “Hmm. I like your blog.”

Some think that they are Funny

Greg said...
wow...i see a lot of people talking like they know GOD himself like as if they play tennis with him on sundays...hey guess wat...I play golf with him...and i know him OH-SO-WELL...you know wat? he told me that i have been granted a place in heaven and that he plans to build a 200 billion dollar building to house all of us future heaven-ers(or watever u call inhabitants of heaven)...he also says XX blog is a breath of fresh air compared to his other blogs....by the way he surfed the web using his white colour APPLE iBook...

God told me you are going to hell. He reserved a place for you.

MightyBV said...
Another good religion:

Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Are you praying to that religion? If you are I sure wouldn't want to join you cause that might be the cause of your mental degradation. How did you even relate Frisbee with getting stuck on the roof? Fucking makes no sense to me.

I scrolled through the rest of the comments and I can’t believe that people are starting a mini-debate about religion in there. Jeezus… These people have no life.

I give up… These dipshits are too stupid.

My fucked up project mate

2005-04-25T22:05:00.000+08:00

Can NUS students start to learn to have some common sense? Okay this happened while I was in this group for my Financial Accounting class. There were 3 guys in this group of mine - me, that fucker (Let's call him KH) and another guy CX.

I actually disliked KH from long ago when we did the class presentation. He obviously have bad dress sense. He wore a grey Tee - shirt. I have no problems with his gay grey T-shirt except that the areas near his armpit was wet. And the damn colour difference is fucking obvious. You could see his sweating armpits a mile away. Can't some people have some proper personal hygiene? If you can't bathe and can't stop sweating as if our classroom is in the middle of some goddamn desert, at least try to wear light coloured clothing.

My portion of the presentation came after his and I realised that the values were different from the one that I sent him. I was slightly confused so I asked him discreetly while the tutor was explaining to the class.

Brose: Hey. You changed the answers?
KH: (replying like an idiot) Erm. This part is done by Brose.
I looked at him and said : I am Brose.
KH: Oh.

Fucking idiot. He doesn't even know me? What the fuck. And we are doing project work together... well done.

And I proceeded to present the amended values on the screen. It turns out I was right and because of his editing it is now wrong. Wat a dumbass. Just becos he took accounting before doesn't mean he need to act smart and change my answers. And changed to a WRONG answer somemore. Brose 1 - Idiot 0

Prior to this presentation we have never met. We only communicated thru' email (I wonder why) and we exchanged phone numbers and MSN contacts. Our second task was to do some sort of a financial report of some company. So one fine day, he contacted me while I am on MSN and the converstation goes something like this: (I can't remember so I am reconstructing from memory)

KH: Can you do the ratios?
(Anyway he was refering to financial ratios)
Brose: It is all from the OSIRIS site which I sent you. Can't we simply obtain it from there?
KH: But we need to show how to get it.
Brose: Since we use excel to compile the tables, we can use formula. Excel is amazing.
KH: But we need to show how to get it.
Brose: Hi. You can simply click it to see the formula
KH: Then how are the tutors going to know where you got the values from?
Brose: Duh. From the formula. Where else?
KH: But we need to show working.
Brose: Its in the freaking formula. You just need to click it.

And this goes on and on. I am suspecting I am communicating with a box of tissue. This guy is either trying to act blur or just escaped from the Mentally Retarded Island of Morons. In the end he gives up and said he would ask the lecturer about it. He should have said that long ago, made me type so much rubbish with him when my time could be used more constructively. Eversince this converstaion, I didn't see him online on MSN anymore.

A few days later, I received an email from him and in the reply it appears that I was right (AGAIN) and he got the judgment skills of a pumpkin. Brose 2 - Idiot 0. He started arrowing us work and gave us a deadline to submit it. But being his neurotic naggy self, he always liked to keep sending reminder emails. The last email looked like this:

[ All the emails were orginal and unedited. The names, email addresses and my phone number was changed to avoid unwanted female attention]

-----Original Message-----
From: Oh K.H
Sent: Sat 09/04/2005 01:15
To: Brose
Cc:
Subject: FNA　Ｆｉｎａｌ　Ｐｒｏｊｅｃｔ

ｈｅｌｌｏ，
ｉ　ｈａｖｅ　ａｓｋ　ｃｘ　ｔｏ　ｄｏ　ｔｈｅ　ｒａｔｉｏ　ｔｈｉｎｇ．　ｗｅ＇ｖｅ　ｄｅｃｉｄｅ　ｔｏ　ｕｓｅ　ｔｈｅ　ｅｘｃｅｌ　ｔｈａｔ　ｉ　ｈａｖｅ　ｄｒａｗｎ　ｕｐ　ｉｎｓｔｅａｄ　ｏｆ　ｔｈａｔ　ｆｒｏｍ　ｔｈｅ　ｏｒｉｓｒｉｓ　ｗｅ　ｆｏｕｎｄ　ｓｏｍｅ　ｄｅｓｃｒｅｐａｎｃｉｅｓ　ｉｎ　ｔｈｏｓｅ　ｆｉｇｕｒｅｓ．　
ｕ＇ｒｅ　ｄｏｉｎｇ　ｔｈｅ　ａｎａｌｙｓｉｓ　ｐａｒｔ　ｒｉｔｅ？　ｃａｎ　ｙｏｕ　ｍａｉｌ　ｔｈｅ　ｔｈｅ　ａｎａｌｙｓｉｓ　ｐａｒｔ　ｌａｔｅｓｔ　ｂｙ　ｍｏｎ　ｓｏ　ｔｈａｔ　ｉ　ｃａｎ　ｃｏｎｓｏｌｉｄａｔｅ　ｅｖｅｒｙｔｈｉｎｇ　ａｎｄ　ｕｐｌｏａｄ　ｔｈｅ　ｆｉｎａｌ　ｐｒｏｄｕｃｔ　ｂｙ　ｗｅｄ．　ｔｈａｎｋｓ
ｒｅｇａｒｄｓ
ｋ.ｈ　　

This is the fucking actual font. Who wouldn’t be pissed if u receive email in this font? Is he trying to imply I am blind or something? That asshole. But still I tried to restrain my urge to rearrange his face over the internet.

-----Original Message-----
From: Brose
Sent: Sun 4/10/2005 11:12 PM
To: Oh K.H
Cc:
Subject: RE: FNA　Ｆｉｎａｌ　Ｐｒｏｊｅｃｔ

U want to add anything in the analysis? Or u happy to let me write all 5 pages?

-----Original Message-----
From: Oh K.H
To: Brose
Cc:
Subject: RE: RE: FNA　Ｆｉｎａｌ　Ｐｒｏｊｅｃｔ

pls keep tha analysis to 4 pages cause need to add other things.... if you are happy to do evrything, by all means....

So after not seeing him on MSN for days, I used this nick on my MSN on the last day

Brose(s) - Fuckers doing FNA project with me! Dun Fucking MIA now! KNN!!!

Then I got this email late at night. See the time - 22.34. I was supposed to submit to him before 12 actually. Even before receiving this email I was so bloody pissed cos I have no means of contacting him. There is something I need to check with him badly.

-----Original Message-----
From: Oh K.H
Sent: Mon 11/04/2005 22:34
To: Lim CX; Brose
Cc:
Subject: FNA Report

last reminder to e-mail me the report for your part. please e-mail me your part latest by tomorrow morning 1000. for THOSE who are not interested or not happy with this arrangement, you can jolly well do everything by yourself.
regards
KH

I wanted to just fucking screw him over the phone so I checked thru' my phone contacts and realised ( to my astonishment) that I don't have his fucking phone number. WTH!! I only have CX's phone number so I smsed him and CX doesn't have KH's number as well. It seems that he didn't give us his handphone number and I don't see him on MSN. Which means the only way to contact him is through email. I mean... who the fuck still uses email for communications? There are so many IMs out there. My Brose Rage meter went into OVERDRIVE mode.

After chatting with CX, it seems that KH arrowed me to do question 10 which is the 5 page analysis (basically the hardest part of the project becos it is the freaking writeup) and the other guy to do questions 1-9 providing the background for me to write. Basically all he did was find the Annual Report of the company which is no big deal and some financial statement which I could do in 30 mins. I figured that he is fucking causing too much trouble for doing nothing. I contemplated excluding that fucker's name totally out of the report. CX actually agreed. Haha. I was good at such shit. Anyway. I cant stand his fucking attitude in that email so I emailed this back.

-----Original Message-----
From: Brose
Sent: Mon 4/11/2005 11:18 PM
To: Oh KH; Lim CX
Cc:
Subject: RE: FNA Report

1. Wat is ur hp number? Or u sms me. 97778888. either that or u come online
2. I need to discuss with you regarding on wat u mean by "your part"
3. Can u pls clarify on the sentence "for THOSE who are not interested or not happy with this arrangement, you can jolly well do everything by yourself."
Brose

I don't give a damn. He pushed it way too far. I tried my best not to let my reply sound too sarcastic. I thought it would take a long time before he replied but for some reason, he replied rather quickly.

-----Original Message-----
From: Oh KH
Sent: Tue 12/04/2005 00:43
To: Brose
Cc:
Subject: RE: FNA Report

i dunno wat u are up to but next time remember to look at your nick in the msn messenger. anyway, if you are still interested, please e-mail me your part for the analysis report by tomorrow morning 1000. if i dun received anything by tomorrow 1000, i'll presume that you are not going to do anything about it and i'll doing everything by myself and u can forget about having marks for this report. thanks and sorry if i did not make my self clear.
k h

Oh shit… So he actually saw my nick. Why cant I fucking SEEE HIM on my MSN LIST????? Fucker. Must have added me to ignore list. Lets see if I can snook him back or not.

-----Original Message-----
From: Brose
Sent: Tue 4/12/2005 12:49 AM
To: Oh KH
Cc:
Subject: RE: FNA Report

Dun waste time. I purposely put that nick to draw ur attention. Obviously i need to discuss stuff with u. But i have no way of contacting u other than msn and email. I have have ur number. And i dun check my email often. Read my nick carefully. I was pissed with you disappearing and being uncontactable for the past 3-4 days. Either that or you convienently put me on ur ignore list. Which is rude.

From: Oh KH
Sent: Mon 12/04/2005 1am +
To: Lim CX; Brose
Cc:
Subject: FNA Report

anyway, that was to draw my attention?so do you think that was being polite?? whatever... i am always online and u could just message me or you could just mail me. i always check my mail anyway.... btw i am not disappearing and i have remove you from the ignore list. ok whatever....... so let's just finish this report and forget about everything..... just e-mail me your enquires....
KH

SO I was right! That FUCKER really blocked me on MSN. After that he appeared online. He sort of said it was a misunderstanding blah blah. I said “its okay” actually I am FUCKING PISSED AT THE ASSHOLE. But I did my damn report and sent to him at 5 in the morning. He said sorry in the conversation somewhere so I was slightly appeased and the sense of victory swept over me. Partly why I am so pissed is becos he is so dumb. The report is due on 20th April and look at the date. He is fucking paranoid. Either that or he is stupid. He wants to compile the report more than a week before that damn dateline. He ought to be fucking shot.

In case you are wondering why didn't I just omit his name entirely. Becos CX already uploaded the portion he uploaded his portion into our project folder (something like yahoo groups) and I can't delete it. Only the moderator can delete the files and KH is the moderator. Only smart move he made.

He must be afraid of facing me or something and he didn't turn up for class the next day. Fuck! Lost my last chance to screw him in his face as it is the last tutorial of the semester. HUM CHEE AH!!!

Prologue

The reason why I am only posting this today is becos I just sat for my FNA paper today. I saw him on my way to the exam hall today. Still looking as idiotic as ever. He turned around, saw me and walked quickly away. Hahahahahaha... The look on his face was priceless. What a pussy. Speak like a cat in front of me and tries to act like a king online behind the safety of the world wide web. Yea right... more like King of the pink idiots.

Comments from brave men and anonymous wimps

2005-04-25T01:06:00.000+08:00

Some of the comments (in purple) that I have gotten regarding my last post. And my obviously cocky replies.

J Schnorng said...
Wah, Mr. Brose,How did you know that my mother never paid attention to me? It's been bothering me for a very long time, you know! You really poked at some sore points of mine, and I think it's only right for the whole world to know how much my blog sucks.Once I get another 15 minutes in which I can blog (instead of getting my dick sucked by all my hot and horny hot babe fans), I will be sure to let everyone know what you think.Not bad, right?

1) Can increase traffic, since you're jealous of people with more traffic than you (so am I, it's ok)

2) Can start flame wars with people! Shiok, man! I think flame wars are a little too much effort, but hey, I'll give you a footnote, because I think most of your site is funny. Hell, I might even link you, if you're lucky.

Regards, J

P.S. You want to suan me, post in a comment, lah! Then I can link you, mah! Shiok, right?

Anyway kudos to your Xiaxue killer. That freaking post took you quite a long time to compose and you benefitted the rest of the perverted netizens. I found a blog which I read regularly from that list after that so I have to give you credit for it. I can't be bothered to start a flame war cos I am lazy. I don't read your blog so I can't leave a comment to suan you. I don't leave comments on most of the blogs I read anyway. I was only browsing thru' several blogs and I saw your masking tape and that post on how you got 10,000 hits in a month.

sassyjan said...
so u're one of us, the Freaking idiots who reads all the overated blogs?

Welcome.

Guys look here. It takes courage like sassyjan to admit she is "one of us, the Freaking idiots who reads all the overated blogs?" Maybe you should re-read that post. Which part gives you the idea I am actually reading it? I will post a list of the blogs that I actually do read at the bottom

Anonymous said...
U are freaking attention grabbing yourself by your extensive use of vulgarities and pin-pointing! What your problem man? I think You seriously have the same problems as those you listed yourself!! I dont even care if u delete this comment coz u are are a fucking asshole...

If you want to flame me, at least leave your goddamn name. Don't try to hide behind the anonymous tag to do it. I mean you can call yourself any name.. fake or not. It is just to make me easier to refer to you. I can't keep referring you as Anonymous2 right? Anyway I will just call you 'Tinky Winky' for now. Tinky Winky... don't be so upset cos I was trying to wrestle your red handbag away from you. I was just trying to redeem your soul before it ends up in the unreversible gay-land.

"U are freaking attention grabbing yourself by your extensive use of vulgarities and pin-pointing!"
Since when is extensive use of vulgarities and pin-pointing attention grabbing? My Brose "Semi-stoned" drunken mode chipped in a some effort too. Issit my fault that people like you suddenly come to my site to post a comment which made me lose 30 points of IQ after replying to it? I did not advertise this post anywhere other than 2 comments I left on Singabloodypore's site. In case you dunno, 1+1 = 2. Get it?

"What your problem man?"
Rephrase that sentence into "What is your problem man?" You should try to sort out your grammar before you post any comments. But on second thoughts, you could be frothing with anger and dying from seizures at your keyboard while you typed that. Anyway to answer your question: Pretty Drunk and hella pissed and need to fucking voice out.

"You seriously have the same problems as those you listed yourself!!"
This is a lesson to all the kids and sensible adults reading this post. When you are trying to put a point across. At least try to list out your agumentative viewpoint correctly and coherently. Wtf are you trying to say with that sentence?

Checklist for Tinky Winky

I wear pink skirt?
I blog about my 'god' being a cockroach?
I read her blog?
I post my pic on sexyblogger?
I blog about how I actually increase my site traffic?
My blog has excessively small font?
I post comments excessively to increase my site traffic?

If you are unsure of what you are saying, don't fucking post it. Cos you are just gonna become a laughing stock. So Tinky Winky, keep your dignity and stop acting like a fool.

And best comment of the day goes to... (drum rolls)...

g * said...
ROFLMAO.

g* made a new account just so that he can comment anonymously and won't be accused of a wuss becos of not revealing his name. Anyway, there is an easier option. You can actually click on 'other' so you can type in a name to post it. Isn't it too much hassle to make a new account just so you can post without anyone knowing who the hell you are?

So which are the blogs I actually read and comment in?

Cheeky's blog. Is funny and entertaining and doesn't bore me with stuff like whatieattoday&whatishittoday&watmovieiamgonnawatchlater. His content could be said as one of the more original work out there. He puts his heart and soul into writing those posts of his. (I don't comment much on his blog tho. Only 1 or 2 comment max)

KennySia If you dunno who is guy is, check out his site. He deserves his reputation. I have no idea why he isn't best in Malaysia. He deserves it. Try to read thru' all his posts and not laugh at all. Before you try to perform this amazing feat, call the ambulance on standby in case you suffer internal injuries while trying to contain your laughter.

Calmone He writes with style. Isn't very funny but yet is engaging. His blog is funny in a certain sense. More like intellectual humour and you won't get it if your IQ borders on the mildly retarded range. (I left only 1 comment there)

SillyCelly I got this link from BigFuck's blog. When is the last time you read a site by female who wrote in such a funny way? On top of that she churns out posts at incredible speed while keeping up her humour level. (I didn't comment)

Anna She faithfully reads almost all my posts from the day I started blogging. How can I not repay the favour? And it was kinda funny when I see her trying to spoof Eddy's blog at first. So she belongs more to the 'friend catergory'. I read my all my friends' blog. (minus those who preach about God even in their blog)

Just a final note, I am perfectly fine with all those that I mentioned (Xiaxue & MrBrown) in my previous post. What I am pissed about are the other bloggers out there who are blind and 'follow the crowd' just like a Kiasu Singaporean and keep on reading and re-reading those blogs when there are seriously so much better blogs out there. As for Bigfuck, I can't believe he made increasing his blog traffic as a personal goal. I am still fine that, but he didn't have to post how he did it.

I fucking hate goddamn stupid shitty overrated blogs

2005-04-23T04:21:00.000+08:00

Ok fuck this. It is 3am now and I am typing this shit. I can’t get to sleep. The moment I logged onto MSN and I am already flooded by chats. Bloody shit. Don’t these people ever sleep? I swear that the guy in Swensen added some concentrated caffeine into my Hot Belgium Chocolate. Lemme go get a beer before I continue.

Ok back. Carlsberg rock. Lemme go take a few vodka shots as well. Ok vodka fucking sucks. Shit man, drinking on an empty stomach hurts. Great… the alcohol is kicking in.

Today I was talking to Ed about those lameass blogs out there and why they are popular and such. I came to a conclusion: They are fucking overrated. Look at the most popular blog in Singapore. It should be undoubtedly Xiaxue’s blog. And what the shit does she write about? Some story about a cockroach being her god or something. Nice try dumbass. Quit acting cute, thanks. Why don’t I tell you some facts about cockroaches?

Didja know that cockroach can stay alive for 7 days after its head have been detached from its body?
It died after 7 days due to the lack of food. Didn’t know that did ya?

Ok next question: A perfectly fine cockroach died after only 5 days while prancing around your fucking filthy keyboard staring into your damn monitor. WHY?
Because it was fucking bored to death by your damn pinkish blog.

Fuck this man. She gets 10,000 blog hits a day and people are reading shit like that? Seriously, Singaporeans got no fucking life. And that applies to all who read her blog. For god sake there are so much better blogs out there and she is the most popular blog?

Citerias for best blog:

Pretty?
If I just drank 2 jug of long island, 2 graveyard, 10 tequila shots, 1 jug bourbon coke and is actually blind.
Dont't understand wtf I am saying? Try growing some brains. Maybe you should really be studying instead of reading kickass blogs like mine.

Funny?
If you are actually laughing at her post you got the sense of humour of my SCV cablevision remote control. Fucking pressed and controlled by people all your fucking life. And you are BLACK!

Interesting post?
How fucking controversial can it be if she is writing for Maxim and some other OsamaBinlanden.com. Rant rant rant rant rant. Go to hell you irritating bitch!

(Seriously, I am rather drunk and I have problems typing properly right now, let alone think. God. I love the effects of Beer + hard liqueur.)

Blogs nowadays have fucking no originality. You see a blog with the title: “OMG Brose is a fucking asshole” and then thousands of other fellow aspiring bloggers try to act smart and hop on the bandwagon and chip in their smart replies into their own blog. It usually start like this: “After reading so&so’s blog, I got inspired to … blah blah blah…” You know the rest. So how are the blog entries circulated? 1 person comes up with it and the entire Singapore follows suit because they think it is cool.

“Yea man, since Mr Orange comment on it, I shall also comment on it”

Please. Fucking grow a brain in that tiny cavity humans call brain. Use your own fucking brains to generate decent original articles. Don't believe me? Go see how many have commented on that whatever tomorrow Singapore shitty link. I didn't even bother to click on it. "Thou shalt not waste strength clicking stupid links" Look at how many braindead zombies followed suit. God gave you a fucking brain to think, not to look at other's articles and comment on it and write a similar article to it just to comment on the comment of the comment you just received.

Xiaxue post her “sexy pic”. Then Mr Rainbow and Mr Wasabe also post on their blog and the rest of the bloggers think “ wow, maybe if I also add in my pic I will be famous!” Hi! Wake up to the fucking real world. Who cares what your damn ugly pic with your tongue sticking out looks like? Look at the tons of idiots posting their sexy blogger pic. They are those who have no fucking life, spend like 25 hours of their time a day trying to look at other people’s blog so they can formulate and churn out extraordinary blog articles that they think people are actually reading. Stop wasting your goddamn time for fuck’s sake.

And for those shamelessly trying to increase their traffic by posting to every fucking blog you can get your hands on. Shame on you. Is your fucking life determined by your blog traffic? Are you so inferior that you actually need your 10,000 blog traffic a month so you can feel shiok? Fuck you understand.

If you are still wondering if I am trying to be sarcastic to someone we all know. Yes. Its Bigfuck. What a fucking name. Anyway, good choice on your blog address. At least you got what you want. I got stuck with brosebyname since some smartass took Brose.blogspot.com and never post any fucking shit in there. I browsed thru’ smalldick's blog a couple of times and had to click the close window button before I have my neurons disengage from my brain resulting in convulsions. I couldn’t believe the shit I was reading. For the sake of increasing his blog traffic, he had to post witty and interesting comments EXCESSIVELY to high traffic blogs so that people will click his blog.

You are a fucking blog whore, just like those china prostitues in Geylang trying to pull customers in to fuck them. You are just trying to sell your fucked up site because you know that people will not read it ever unless you advertise it smartly. Nice try actually. (God. I am drunk….) I cannot approve of such distasteful means of whoring blog traffic. Aint blogs supposed to be just a simple site to write whatever fuck you want? What is that fucking idiot trying to attract attention to himself? Oh yea… I know why? Cos your mama didn’t give you any attention when you are young? Cos some bully punched you in the goddamn face cos you look like and idiot and have to vent your fustration online? Cos your dick is so small you have to use a fucking electron microscope to find it? Admit it asshole, you are just a bastard dying for attention. Although you are not the most attention seeking asshole I know. Actually the 4th. I shall call you number 4 from now on. Number 4. Stop posting your pics with that stupid masking tape on that net. Who cares about your lousy masking tape? I can’t believe you actually went to waste money to buy some masking tape to tape yourself so you can take a pic so you can make that post. That seems like a serious waste of time and effort to me but since you have no life I guess it is just a part and parcel of your life.

Guys, go read the ways he shamelessly tried to increase his blog traffic. That entry alone is so valuable that it can be inscripted on stone and stored in the National Museum of my Ass. Come BigFuck, I have already set aside a slab of asphalt for you to write your monumentous achievements on how you get 10,000 blog hits in a month. *clap clap* Am I supposed to feel happy for you? Come find me and you can saw off that fucking huge block of concrete in my void deck and write your achievements on that slab of concrete I reserved for you. Dumbass. (I like being drunk wahahahhahahah) Oh yah. About your post on that fucking Xiaxue killer’s. Nice post cos I at least get to see some babes. But aint you copying Mr Wasabe’s blog? He too also post some pictures for all to see.

Blogs out there which document your life, your meal, your movie are downright fucking boring. It is as boring as holding a conversation with 4 pieces of plywood. Lemme repeat myself, “Who the fucking hell cares about your goddamn fucking life?” This statement although it is harsh is pretty true. Seriously… Who could be so bored as to follow as your life story? It is not as if you are some goddamn celebrity or some shit. You are just an average Joe striving to make a living. Maybe losers find comfort in reading about other losers in the same situation. Don’t make me empty my 60 dollars Sebastian clay in your sorry ass and blowtorch it up sealing your anal cavity forever. On second thoughts, I will just fucking blowtorch your anal cavity; that clay is expensive shit.

Small blogs out there are writing such a small fucking font which makes reading impossible. Are they trying to fucking test my eyesight or something? I tried to read minishort.net and I found the font size so fucking small that using my microscope on my monitor would be justified. Who the hell am I supposed to read your interesting todayieatrice&iwasbored&iwenthometoreadblog site when I can't even see your words?

Go read and local blogs and most likely than not can you find posts peppered with phrases like “leh liao le la lor knn kaobeh” watsoever. Anyway, does this means that when writing in the local context we should add in those shit? Write properly man. Don’t tell me you can’t write a decent post without all those shit in? Yes I know it is distinctive Singaporean. But I am fucking put off by your lameass language. Don’t try to act cute. Look in the mirror, you look like a fucking 250 pound geek trying to gain some sort of useless attention on the World Wide Web cause you didn’t manage to masturbate to your gay porn today.

The blogs you read reflect on your damn personality. So stop reading stupid fucked up blogs. Before you say “fuck you Brose” I have to pre-emp you by saying that I read only a few selected blogs. Blogs which are actually worth my precious time to read. And I don’t read for the sake of posting stupid idiotic smartass “PLS FUCKING CLICK ME COS MY COMMENT IS SO FUNNY” type of comments. BigFuck, you should feel ashamed. On the other hand, you should feel honored cause I actually remembered you while I was fucking drunk. Now you know how much you sucked. (btw, go get a fucking haircut, your hair remind me of the mop)

Someone with no brains: Hi what is originality to you?
Colnel Sanders: Original is without the spice? Spicy or original?

The next person who tell me this fucking shit is gonna get killed Shinobi style from the 2 kunais resting beautifully on my shelf. I will make sure to torture and pour you with honey and to throw you (tied of course) into the fucking Tekong forest to be devoured slowly by the horde of army ants. I will make sure to strip u naked and pour extra honey on your small dick.

Unhappy? Fucking sue me. I don’t give a fucking damn. If you are cute and a female, you can give me a blowjob as well. If not, fuck off. Well, you can leave some hatemail in my comments but I am gonna fucking delete them so don’t bother. Spare me the time I need to press the delete link ok? Alcohol rocks.

Letter to Aunt Agony 1

2005-04-22T00:57:00.000+08:00

Dear Aunt Agony,

I really have to write this letter to you. I can't help it. I keep having this urge to log on to blogger and blog when I know that I shouldn't. Even heaven tried stopping me twice as I couldn't log onto blogger for 2 times but my ~~addiction~~ persistence got the better of me and I managed to log on my 3rd try. As a matter of fact I have roughly 13 hours and 30 mins til the start of my 1st paper. To make matters worse, I haven't studied for it. I just printed out my notes. What should I do?

- Addicted Brose

Dear Brose,

You showed initial symptoms of bloggilitis and I urge you to seek professional medical help before it is too late. Delaying treatment could have unimaginable effects such as beer belly, hairy chest, obsession for digital cameras, dark eye bags, moderate hallucination, cross-dressing fetish and sexual impotence.

As for your situation, you are actually facing a common situation that lots of netizens are facing. Many found it hard to resist the urge of blogging and succumbed to it while neglecting important tasks at hand. Acting on urge and impulse is dangerous and may cost you your future. Many great man such as Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson, Kobe Bryant and Chu Mei Fong had their lives ruin when they gave in to the temptation. Donald Trump lost 1/2 his hair when he couldn't resist the "CLICK HERE FOR FREE PRON" link. Members of the parliament took 4 years to come to a consensus regarding the casinos because they too were wasting their time blogging and surfing http://www.howtobrainwashmycitizens.com.

As for the immediate solution, you should try to relax yourself. Go drink a glass of water to calm yourself down. Get ready your notes and start to revise for them. On second thought, I think you should jolly well just give up since you are stupid and not ~~half~~ 1/365 as smart as Aunt Agony. Life is like using a condom. Once used, it cannot be reused; no matter which brand of disinfectant you wash it with.

Anyway it is just a simple University final paper. Aunt Agony used to Ace thru' them while doing my nails, trimming my eyebrows and perming my hair at the same time. Those were 2 well-spent hours in the exam hall.

- Aunt Agony

ps. It might actually help if you fucking stop posing as Aunt Agony and writing letters to yourself to reply just for the sake of posting this stupid blog. kthxbai!

Something terrible is stirring in my Neighbourhood!

2005-04-20T17:38:00.000+08:00

It was a fine sunny afternoon. Everything was so peaceful. This was the reason why I liked this small little neighbourhood of mine.

Just another day in this peaceful neighbourhood of mine

Everything was going on so fine until the news that Mrs Faiza Fatima has committed suicide. "Why?" we all asked. Why did she commit suicide? It didn't seemed like something she would do. She was still happy a few days ago. And to die in such a messy way...

Before I knew it, my peaceful life is starting to change. My HDB would no longer be peaceful anymore. "The gears are turning... and unexpected events will soon follow...

Mrs Zhim Kay-Poh went and helped packed Mrs Fatimah's belongings. She found a note. A note which kept her bewildered.

(Translation: I know what you did, It makes me sick, I am gonna tell)
This note seemed to be a key. A key to unlock the very mystery surrounding Mrs Fatima's death.

Was the death really a suicide? Or was it something else?

The death isn't as simple as a suicide is it? Some terrible is stirring in my neighbourhood. I can feel it. Now all the aunties are gathered together to discuss on the possibilities. My life would never be the same again.

Cumming to a HDB near you.

You know you are addicted to blogging when:

2005-04-19T16:49:00.000+08:00

You keep checking every 15 mins to your blog to see if anyone post you any comment for you to reply to it.

You get jealous of people who have more traffic than you do when you feel that their blog absolutely sucks.

You subconsciously wrote down Blogosphere, when filling in your address.

When you write finish a post and blogger screws up, you freak out. You pull your hair and contemplate killing all the staff at blogger.com

You are sleeping, you suddenly think of some witty post to blog about.

You get damn fucking excited when someone links you at their blog. Even more so when that someone is popular.

When outside, you suddenly think of a smart and witty comment to someone’s post which you read a few hours/days ago.

You justify to friends who ask you why you blog by saying that you are not ranting about your everyday life but writing about witty and funny events in the format of a journal.

You spend most of your time online surfing around just to find inspiration to blog when you be studying or writing your damn report.

You have more people in the blogging community than actual real friends.

You actually attended some sort of blogging convention.

You actually try to make such a stupid list like this.

After everytime you said something wrongly, you try and look for the ‘edit post’ button.

You would try to make a mental note of anything that is interesting so that you can blog about it later.

You hunt down anyone who posts a mean comment.

The first thing you do online is to check your blog for any comments before you start to check your own email.

You are guilty of commenting excessively on more popular blogs just for the sake of increasing your site traffic.

When you see that your friend is having some very wrong dress sense, you advise him to change his ‘template’

You have actually been on the news or any media reports regarding your blog.

You actually went to Sim Lim Square to see if they got sell an electronic counter to track your human traffic or not.

Even after a truly screwed up day, you comfort yourself by saying "well. At least it would make a good post."

Your definition of popularity is 10,000 blog hits a day, wears pink, sit with one leg weirdly cross(or not?) over the other and the name starts with an X.

And you are actually bo liao enough to finish reading this list. And enjoy it while passing it to the rest of the people who are addicted to blogging.

Me, myself and my sore throat.

2005-04-18T19:26:00.001+08:00

I am bored and its my fucking study week now. I was actually trying to write and blog about something regarding the Casino but I scrapped it when I fell asleep (not once but twice) when proof reading it. I then finally realised I have the sense of humour of a piece of wood.

If you have been reading my blog you would realise that I dun really like to write about what happens to my everyday life. I find it entirely boring to bore my readers with my life. I mean. Who fucking gives a damn about what happens in your damn life? That's why I still couldn't understand why people actually read Xiaxue's blog. Maybe people find that typing 6 letters for X-I-A-X-U-E is shorter than most of the url out there. Man... people can be real lazy.

I happen to have a huge fucking sore throat and I can't stand it. Its driving me nuts. (ok I got 15 mins to finish this post)

The start of my study week is today,
and it so happens to be Monday.
Work up in bed at 3pm,
cos I fucking kooned at 5am.

Why the fuck did I sleep so late?
Cos I tried blogging on the Casino debate.
Trying to voice out like the rest of the blog,
read my draft and felt like a cock.

To make it worse I have this damn sore throat.
Which felt like my tonsils drilling on the road.
Numb and cough and the occasional pain,
this is driving me insane.

I should really be mugging,
for some godamn reason I am blogging.
Mini project due on Thursday,
meaning I still got roughly 3 more days.

Friday is my first paper,
And it tests on databse and PERL.
Heng that it is open book,
So i only need to flip thru and look.

Monday got accounting,
not very hard but must start practising.
Debit, credit and T-journal,
Chio at me for skipping tutorial.

Then I got another 1 week break.
TV, Manga & blog, it's great.
Rest and relax I know I would,
when mugging, memorising is wat I should.

History falls on the saturday
5 full days for me to play.
Essay writing is the format,
Bullshitting and crapping is ez with my huge gonads.

1 more damn paper to go!
Before I fucking reach my goal.
Molecular Biology,
TMD its driving me crazy.

I know I should stop being so cocky,
but I can't help it when my balls itchy.
Knn this post took 30 mins.
When I should have finished in 15mins.

Fuck this. I should end this post.
Knn. wtf rhymes with 'post'?
Now I wish my throat will heal.
Before my grades start goin downhill.

- With love from Brose.

Singapore: Operation Baby!

2005-04-16T02:21:00.000+08:00

So the government has been going on and on ranting about our Nation’s low birth rate. It is such a hot topic that it is on the BBC news. Nevermind about the deadly bird flu. Death of Pope? Who cares. The astronomical issue at hand eclipses any other news in the world. Well, the Casino debate came close though.

Quoted from a certain monkey in white (He happened to be wearing red that day)
" Have a couple of children, three if you can."

Basically the concern is that Singapore would be dealing with an aging workforce, as we are not producing enough offsprings to support the older generations. The burden on the workforce would be high. In case you still have no idea what I am talking about. Just imagine trying to handle two females in bed instead of just one. Wait. That’s a bad analogy. It is more like trying to handle two fat 80-Kg girls with moustache (Puke!) in bed instead of just one. (I know it’s hella scary, but it is just an analogy and I suck at that)

So bottomline, we just have to increase the overall population of the babies by hook or by crook; by missionary-style or by doggy-style. Even though the government didn’t literally spell it out that they actually want the so-called elite studying in University to produce more elite babies. Statistics quoted by god-knows-who confirmed that garduates hasn't been giving birth to enough children. The term 'Elite' is highly overrated, even I would fall into their definition of one. But Elites aren’t supposed to be wasting time typing bullshit like this. Maybe that's what Elites are good at, cooking up bullshit.

It is apparent that those monetary incentives and various other bonuses aren’t working. As a proud citizen of Singapore, I have some ideas which is so gonna work.

Give birth to a child and get 1-year free unlimited internet access!

Screw your wife and she gets pregnant. In the meantime, entertain yourself with some internet porn so you resist the urge to fuck around outside. Imagine how much money you could saving with a 1-year free unlimited internet access! Suitable for internet addicts.

Since the problem lies with graduates and professionals getting married later in life and choosing to have less kids, strike while the iron is hot and when the libido is high. What better place than to bring the message across to them while they are still in University?

All University students MUST stay in halls.

Halls have been well-known breeding ground for Romance. To take a quote from the great philosopher of our time "It is theoretically and scientifically impossible to go through 3-years of hall living and still not get attached…" – Brose (1982) Government will give incentives and financial assistance so everyone can stay in halls. Do away with the 1 floor 1 gender rule. There would be a mix of both male and female in every level. The whole idea is to encourage sex so we can have more babies!

Free Porn DVDs would be given at as standard issue.

The porn DVDs will educate the youths on the finer touches of lovemaking so that they would not be bored by doing the same position for 3 times a day, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month and 12 months a year. Everyone loves a little variety sometime.

Artificial UV rays in Lecture halls and bouncers outside them

Everyone would be forced to wear beach wear into the Lecture halls. Bouncers would be stationed outside the Lecture halls to prevent any underdressed students from entering. Ahh.. the world would be so much more beautiful. The bikinis, tank tops, spaghetti stripes, hot pants.. Mmmm.

Government subsidized raving parties in halls

There should be funds allocated to halls for raving parties with alcohol. I mean, everyone knows what parties lead to right? Especially so after a couple of drinks. Everyone would end up happily playing *cough* Monopoly and *cough* Jenga on the bed.

Condom dispensing machine in halls

Encourage sex! Sex helps the students reduce stress. The exercise is good for the body. Healthy lifestyle yea. Although the idea of having contraceptives goes against the idea of Operation Baby but having condoms promotes safe sex in the scenario they just want to have fun and not babies.

Make Orgy day part of the school calendar

Everyone will engage in 1 huge orgy as part of the school culture and tradition. Do away with those lame Rag & Flag Day. No more dumb National Day celebration. Embrace and look forward to Orgy Day 2005!

All these suggestion will no doubt increase the overall birth rate of Singapore. Sex has much more far reaching effect and benefits. Other than inducing the release or hormones that would make one look younger and skin suppler. The sexual act will ease stress that is evident in our lifestyle. Calories burned during sexual activity are comparable to other aerobic activities and can help to prevent obesity that plagues populations in developed nations. Other than that, it will make college life less of a bore and might induce me to actually go to school more often. Man...I should be head of MOE.

Not another 15 facts of life

2005-04-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

I received this 15 facts of life via email. I shall now express my not-so-humble opinion.

The Facts of Life:

1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.

Thank you, I didn’t know that. What absolute crap is this? Whoever who dare to prove this otherwise convince 5 people you know to kill themselves because they love you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.

I hope this doesn’t include ‘stalker-gay’ lurve.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you.

Doesn’t your bullshit detector just lights up? I don’t hate someone just because I want to be like them. I am sure they hate me cos I screwed them up seriously. (No I am not sorry for that guy whom I took out his CD and sandpaper it in a carpark before returning to him)

4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

My middle finger generates just as much emotions… even more sometimes.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

Shit. Better not be that gay who harassed me during my Army Days.

6. You mean the world to someone.

You don’t mean a thing to the freaking rest of the world. Wake up your bloody idea!!

7. Without you, someone may not be living.

Even without you, the world still goes on.

8. You are special and unique, in your own way.

Yes, I see 650million clones running around. Of course I am unique!

You are very similar to the rest in some way or other

9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.

Shoo! Go away stalkers.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

*cough* You mean a child and you becomes a dad? Or…

11. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look: You most likely turned your back on the world.

Seriously, take what look? I cannot see 'The World' on cable or what. Scientifically, the world is round and it can't turn its back on you.

When you think your porn cannot play because it is corrupted, take a look: You most likely forgot to download the codec for it.

12. When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.

Duh! It seriously depends on when ‘sooner or later’ means. What good is it to get what I want after I die?

When you think you cannot finish downloading the porn and you close the download, you won't get it; but if you decide to leave your comp overnite to leech it, you will get it sooner or later.

13. Always remember complements you received; forget about the rude remarks.

Of course I will remember the complements, but I will jot down the rude remarks so I can kill that asshole one day.

Remember the good times you had in the club last night, forget about the times when the gay groped your ass.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

This DOESN’T always works when you are confessing your love. Don’t believe me? If you haven’t seen the clip of the brave NUS student who confessed his love in a lecture you would know it isn’t true.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

If you think I am great, let me know. I accept cheques, Nets and credit card.

How to write a Blog

2005-04-10T17:58:00.000+08:00

"Everyone's writing about those "How to write a Blog" kind of posts. Since there are so many out there already, what's the harm with another one. Look at Mr Miyagi's post and cowboycaleb. "

Ok so you are new to blogging and you want to start a Blog. You figured out that you couldn’t possibly be the best page in the Universe, neither could you be the most popular blog in Singapore. You decided that you would need something different, something original, something feisty, something people will either laugh til they die or curse til they lose their voice.

How to choose a Blog address

Get something with absolutely no meaning to it and something people would have trouble remembering it. It must be dull and boring long and meaningless enough so you force people to press the bookmark to your blog. Without adding it to favourites, they would never manage to crack/remember the URL of your blog address.

Bad web address:
Bestpage, bigdeal, bigfuck, cheesy, horny, sexy, osamabinladen, ahbeng, etc

Good web address:
32198721312, Boringismymiddleeeeeeename, mylifesucksandsodoyoubleeeeeeh, etc

Write good headlines

Titles should not give any idea of what the post is about, but actually try to entice the person to click it. Nothing can be more engaging than a confusing headline.

Bad headline:
The story about a brother and a sister

Good headline:
Incest!!?!

Writing blog posts

Updates must be kept short and simple. It mustn’t contain information on what you are trying to say. Everyone loves controversial posts.

Bad post:
"Today I had a really bad day. I was walking around school when suddenly 3 of the hottest babe in school came running towards me and wanted to kiss me. I have never been so afraid in my life. Can they stop pestering me? One of them even tried to touch my…."

Good post:
Today sucked. Period.

Short and sweet and to the point.

If you really have to say something.

Make the posts long and unreadable. Make something short and simple become long and unbearable. If someone actually manages to read and understands your post, you failed. Throw paragraphing out of the window. Proper sentence structures are for wussies. Adjust your font size to either very small or very big so that anyone who reads your blog would have to pay a visit to the optician the next day. (Remember, you are helping the economy by creating jobs). Never ever use bulletin, italics, bold, underline or even different colors in your blog. By doing so, it shows that you actually learnt html when you should be spending all your time blogging!

Read your posts out loud

You must never underestimate the intelligence of the readers at your blog. If you don’t trip over the complex sentence structure, re-write the sentence. If you actually understand what you are writing, re-write the sentence.

Add pictures and links

Everyone loves some good pictures and links at the blog. A sexy picture of you would give you instant recognition. An example of a sexy picture is this. (You really need to click and see this. It is the Epitome of Sexiness)

Take Blogging seriously

Blog like your life depends on it. In actual fact it is worse than a brain surgery. Be sure to get pompous and dictatorial. If anyone flame you, flame that bitch back. If someone seems to be winning an argument against you when commenting on your blog, delete their comment. You own the blog. Be sure to always get the last word in.
Follow the above given tips and you could be well on your way into the ~~most~~ second most ~~boring~~ interesting blog of the universe.

A Letter to the Professor

2005-04-09T03:04:00.000+08:00

A Letter from a hardworking student to Professor Kevin:

Can I assume whatever that is not covered in lecture would not be examinable? For example, chapter 12 of textbook has discussed much more content about Rationale Activities. These 23 pages have been summarized in one single slide during the lecture. Just how much must I know about Rationale Management then?
There are other examples like chapter 14.
If i follow from the lecture, does that mean i only need to know there are 4 activities in project management and not their details? It really helps if it will be clear what and how much we are suppose to know for the exam. There are 15 chapters covered and so much reading.

Regards

***

Professor Kevin’s reply:

Please take a moment to consider the question you've posed. I've paraphrased it as follows: there's alot of material, and you want to know which of it is important for the exam. I sometimes wonder if you are really asking, what is important. Do you see the difference? If not, ask yourself about the following scenerio.
You invited to a briefing by your CEO, along with all the other C-staff and managers (middle and junior), on a marketing strategy and financial projections for your company's line of products and services, and boy, so many numbers, facts, acronyms, etc, you could barely stay focused. Would you go to your boss afterwards and ask,
"Sir, there was so much detail in your presentation - could you tell me which of it was important?" Think about it.

- Kevin

Woah!! What a freaking reply. Did his wife deny him sex the night before? Or is he menstruating? Maybe he needs to stop being a girl. Does he really need to be so hostile?

Enlightened and no longer fustrated student:

Dear Kevin,

Thank you sir for enlightening me. I haven’t felt so enlightened ever since the last time someone said something like that to me. But I haven’t had such good advice ever since that special someone was found dead in his underwear with the garden hoe up his ass by the police one morning, well that’s another story. Can you please help me out 1 more time and tell me the meaning of scenerio? Does it have something to do with scenery? I am guessing that it is a cross between scenario and scenery? I am sure the situation that you mentioned wouldn’t make a good scenery.

What you said definitely make a lot of sense and I would definitely start to put more hard work into my studies. But due to the heavy workload, I have some sleeping problems and I can’t really get to sleep at night. I keep getting bloody and gory images of computer codes and definitions eating me up. Is that normal? Since I cannot sleep very well at night, I thought I should drop by your esteemed residence one of these days to pay you a visit at night. Would 4.30am be a good time? If you are sleeping that’s ok. I would help you do some gardening and landscaping free of charge. I will check on your kids to make sure they are sleeping well. I will try my best to control my weird habit of having an uncontrollable urge to rearrange human facial features. Do you need me to remind you to take a leak? While I am at it, I will also clean up your living room of any old furniture to make it a cleaner place to live in. Before I leave, I will remember to close the door lightly. Maybe I can even help check your dog for herpes.

Ps. By the time you are reading this mail, I have also finished washing your car. The oil stains inside your oil tank were hard to remove. Luckily I used industrial grade detergent and lots of water. Anyway, I have also mailed you some goods which you might find useful. I have attached a picture of what it looks like.

- An Enlightened Student

Ed, I really think you should copy and paste that reply to ur prof. If not give me his email, I help you send it out. Give me his address so I can send him the pads as well.

Screw those close book exams!

2005-04-08T03:09:00.000+08:00

**Disclaimer: Post was written while in a seriously pissed off mood.**

I am once again studying for some fucking test and I can’t understand why isn’t it an open book paper? Close book exams sucks big time, about as many times as Mirai Hoshizaki. I shall spare my fingers the agony of typing out an elite 2000-word mind-blowing award-winning essay on "Why should all exams be in the open book format?" Most of you would be too intellectually inclined (read: stupid) to understand it anyway.
Below are 5 valid reasons why exams should all be open book.

1. Who seriously cares about how much shit you memorize?

Assuming people go to college to prepare them for work. Who cares how much shit you memorize during your school days? Your employers won’t give a damn. They don’t hire you to memorize and regurgitate stuff, they hire you to do work. Any the work doesn’t required anyone to memorize the entire fucking textbook. So if the work doesn’t require me to memorize all those stuff, WHY do I still need to memorize it and sit for a close book exam? What are the chances I would need to recall some textbook definition and I don’t have any reference material/Internet near me? ZERO percent.

2. Close-book exams curb creativity.

The government keep saying stuff that our students are not creative enough and Singaporeans only know how to memorize and replicate from their memory, they lack the skills to critically analyze and think compared to the rest of our counterparts in the region/world. Want to point the finger and blame someone? Blame the damn education system. If all you have were close book exams, who wouldn’t be forced to memorize?

3. Make those profs start to earn their keep.

Professors are actually too lazy to think and set "thinking" questions. The profs can’t be bothered. They are too busy thinking of how to spend their enormous wealth. Since open book exams would mean that obvious questions would not be tested, the profs will actually have to think and set better "thinking" questions. But the fact is they are lazy. So they just say it’s close book and they set a few no-brainer questions which could be directly lifted off from parts of the notes but are actually a pain-in-the-ass the memorize. Change the format to open-book exams so those bastards would actually start doing some work.

4. Brains are for thinking and not for memorizing (other than phone numbers/dates/female’s names/junk you read on the net)

99.9% of the shit we learn in college are not applicable when we work. Even if they are applicable, there is no need for us to memorize because we can always refer to reference material. Duh! If the company needed data storage, they would have used a PC. At the rate of technological developments, almost everyone would own some sort of nifty gadget to link them to the Internet in a few years time. If you need any info, just search online. Google it. Whatever. God gave Man brain to think and analyze, not to memorize shit. If your brain were made to only memorize stuff, you would have been made into a harddisk instead.

5. Cos I rather spend my time doing shit and surfing the net.

This last reason is the most valid. Actually… just this reason alone would suffice. Memorizing stuff is an utter waste of my time. And this would also screw up those chao muggers who just memorize and don’t really understand the topic.

So you are the top scholar? Big deal. It just shows you have less life than everyone else. While everyone was out there enjoying themselves, you are still memorizing the entire textbook for the 5th time. Get a Life! (If you happen to be an Indian/Chinese Scholar, re-read the above text 5 times.)

Set all the papers in open book format. Only then is it a fair judge on the understanding and analysis of the students. If only I can revamp the entire educational system. Vote me for the Head of MOE or something... Man, don't I rock or what?

NUS / NTU / SMU? Which college is better?

2005-04-05T23:35:00.000+08:00

Now it is already April and alot of the students out there are thinking that which of the 3 universities would be more suitable for them. NUS vs NTU vs SMU: An Objective Analysis!

Logo: It determines how cool your school is supposed to be.

NUS	Gay orange colour with a gay orange lion. What is that ugly looking book and that 3 circle crap?
NTU	I changed it to the correct logo. Those red lines and measurements are not supposed to be there. It is there on some NTU site explaining how to use the logo properly. I am just to lazy to MSPaint it away. Anyway it is still Ugly. Lack of creativity. 1 BIG NANYANG word. Bleh F for (e)FFort.
SMU	Blue with a speck of red/brown against a white background. Quite a nice colour combi although the logo looks like 3 man/women hanging desperatly on a slope.

Location of College: No one wants to study in Tekong, that's for sure.

NUS	Located near 2 MRT stations. Near a hospital full of contagious disease. Readily accessible.
NTU	In the middle of a forest. Has been mistaken to be some lost city by tourists.
SMU	In town.

School fees: If it concerns money, it's important.

NUS	Depending on how boring/useless your course is, fees could vary from around $4,000 to $6,000 per semester.
NTU	The fees are just as expensive even though the college is located at an uncharted part of Singapore. Members of the Parliament have debated omitting the location of NTU out from the street directory entirely.
SMU	Needs to sell blood, one of your kidneys and part of your liver to pay for the astronomical sums they charge

Courses offered: Should be the main reason why you choose that college. (If you are sane)

NUS	Abstract plagiarism. Test-tube washing. Advanced Stuck-up linguistic skills. Governmental insult-directed argumentative skills. Graffiti interpretation. Binary coding. Purposeful lying. Oral inspection. Viagra abuse. Sand castle design & modeling.
NTU	Bean counting. Intermediate bullshitting. NATO: No Action Talk Only. Advanced calculus with abacus. Adolescent brainwashing & terrorism (NIE). Introductory to lab coat wearing.
SMU	Art of subordinate manipulation. Barter trading. Fashion sense and etiquette. Introductory into the disposal of unwanted children (currently on hold).

Campus and the facilities: An insight on where our damn school fees go to, other than the Lexus those bloodsuckers are driving.

NUS	Large campus complete with suntanning pool, goal post-less soccer field, advanced state-of-the-art labs still trying to safeguard against the terror of the bacteria in Yakult.
NTU	Some worthless computer labs which is permanently full. Someone told me they had to start queuing up at 6.30am to try and get a terminal when the lab opens at 8am. Smart!
SMU	Slightly bigger than my bedroom.

Internal Bus Services:

NUS	Bus rides made exceedingly exciting with the tons of idiots who alight from the back and board from the front. Gives a whole new meaning to stupidity.
NTU	From the comment: "yee....there shd be a CROSS for NTU shittle buses...they charge 20 cts per ride and aren't very frequent!!!at least nus's ones are free." Wtf? 20 cents? They charge so much fees and still require students to pay to take bus.
SMU	Within crawling distances.

Usefulness of the Certificate: You are studying mainly for this piece of useless paper which you can easily forge and print on your own.

NUS	Partly dependent on which course you chose. It almost guarantees a cushy job of sitting there and wait to collect money…. In front of the toilet.
NTU	Most useful certificate out of the 3 colleges. High paper quality which the certificate is printed on makes a satisfying wipe when you run out of toilet paper.
SMU	Usefulness of the certificate is directly proportional to the amount of butt crack and cleavage you expose and how much bullshit you can conjure.

Smoking regulations:

NUS	The entire campus is declared smoke free. All thanks to those smartasses in the Student Union.
NTU	Only certain areas are banned from smoking.
SMU	Cocaine and Marijuana restricted to only certain parts of the campus.

Canteens & Eateries: Don't blame me if you eat another 4 years of combat ration.

NUS	Lots of canteens serving decent edible food. On top of that there is Caffeine Xpress, Speeneeli, Money Mummy, Gangreen Sushi, etc
NTU	Slightly better than combat rations. Store vendors suspected to come from NTUC food fare and SFI (Singapore Food Industries)
SMU	Crystal Jade in Takashimaya, Jack's Place in Wisma Atria, Olio Dome, etc

Hostel Life: Only reason why some people come to college.

NUS	Hostels with names corny names such as Raffles Hall, Eusoff Hall, etc Hall = Lots of Sex. And there is Fong Seng nearby to recharge your batteries before or after any excruiciating night activities.
NTU	The admin body is too stupid/lazy to even name their halls. (Hall 8, Hall 12, etc) No place to eat supper at night.
SMU	No hostels. Hotel 81 is nearby though.

Campus Culture & Language: So you can learn how to cuss them in another language which they wouldn't understand

NUS	Generally English speaking. Can effectively impress with foreign languages when babes are around.
NTU	Speaks everything but English.
SMU	Speaks English, with some fucking fake accent.

Project work: Something which involves sharing the same room, bed and shower.

NUS	Moderate project work. Project are usually meaningless and pointless and it is only there cos the Government wants more hands on.
NTU	More project work than NUS. More opportunities to work with fugly people. Congratz. Go buy some insecticide to spray into your own eyes when situation dictates.
SMU	Lots of project work. Could be just an excuse to improve social interaction and bed skills.

Allocation of Modules: This determines on whether do you lose some hair, or fucking alot of hair before the semester starts.

NUS	Uses CORS. Cocked-up Offline Registration System. Requires the students to bid for their modules with a allocated number of points. Something like the COE. I have to take my hat to whoever who thought of this fucked up system. I really can't think of any more screwed up system than this.
NTU	Uses balloting system. Requires a certain element of luck.
SMU	Granted to them via some mystic revelations... Bleh, I dunno and I don't really give a damn.

Having read through the entire analysis, I hope students would be ableto choose their college with more twisted and unreliable information. Now I better go and study before I fail my test tomorrow.

6 Pranks for April Fool's Day

2005-04-01T23:13:00.000+08:00

It’s April’s Fool. What better way to celebrate April’s Fool than to play some pranks. Here are the list of some pranks you can try out. All the pranks are graded against a scale of 0 – 5. Where 0 = As interesting as my biology lecture, and 5 = laughing so hard you would hyperventilate and die.

For you nerds out there who think my Bio lecture is interesting, follow the following 3 easy steps.
1. Jump off the building.
2. Repeat step 1 if you can still read step 2.
3. There is no step 3 dumbass. I lied.

1. Oops, I did it again!

Materials: You and your friend. 2 x surgeon greens (complete with surgical masks and gloves) Some red food coloring.
Venue: Medicine Library.

Get you and your friend to change into the surgeon greens and splash some red food coloring onto the attire. Walk into the medicine library and start arguing out loud. Then both of you walk over to the human anatomy section and flip through some books and exclaim loudly: "There!! I told you it was on the left side. Damnit, now we have to stitch it back." Then you both walk out of the library shaking your heads.

Fun Factor: 4
The look on the faces of the people in the library is priceless.

2. My baby is Einstein

Materials: Preferably carried out by a female, results can be disastrous when you are a male. A small cushion with some strap to tie. (Optional: red food coloring)

Tie the cushion to your tummy and go out like this. Pat your "tummy" every once in a while and start to talk to it. Start jabbing the people around you and ask them if they hear your baby talking. Insist that your baby is talking and it is asking you to solve some complex algebra. Start getting flustered if the person refuse to believe you and dismiss you as crazy. (Optional: suddenly collapse to the ground and clasp your tummy and break the bag of red food coloring between your legs)

Fun Factor: 3.5
It involves too much acting skill to pull it off convincingly. Please note that any males who try this could get a "Get into Mental Hospital Free" pass for trying this prank out and forgetting to shout "April fool!" at the end of the prank.

3. The gift of love

Materials: You need to be attached (NO, your blow-up doll doesn't count you sickos)

After having some mind-blowing sex the night before. Hug your bf/gf and tell him/her how much you love him/her. Then you reveal that you have HIV but you know he/she love you so much he/she wouldn’t mind. End with a kiss.

Fun Factor: 4.5
No props needed. No preparations needed. You only need your mouth to carry to prank out. Look as the expression on your mate turns from bliss to grief as he slowly suffocates to death. The only drawback is that you could only prank 1 person at a time. Unless you try this after an orgy.

4. Waking up in the wrong place

Materials: Strong arms or maybe some brains.
Venue: A toilet, although I would prefer a cemetery

When the victim is asleep, slowly carry his bed (with him inside) and move it all the way into the middle of a cemetery/toilet.

Fun Factor: 4
Imagine the shock he would get when he wakes up next morning. A great Army-time prank. Place some animal organs and splash some red/brown food coloring around him for better effect.

5. Confessing your love

Materials: A pen and paper. Maybe PowerPoint slides if you are creative, or is it not creative? I forgot which.
Venue: A lecture hall

Write a love letter to your lecturer and sign off with "Your Secret Admirer " Fold the piece of paper and pass it down to the lecturer in the middle of the lecture. Make sure he reads if out accidentally thinking it was a question. Extra points if the lecture is webcasted.

Fun Factor: 3.5
Great fun with minimal preparations. For tips on how to use PowerPoint slides, refer to my previous post.

6. Hi it’s April Fools!

Materials: Penknife/lighter/chainsaw/arsenic/paint/baseball bat/nuclear bomb etc

Tell your friend you recently learnt the lost art of magic from some magician. Perform some simple card tricks for him and prove it to him you indeed know some magic. Then take an appropriate _________ (Penknife/lighter/chainsaw/arsenic/paint/baseball bat/nuclear bomb) and tell him that you could destroy/smash/cut-off/burn his __________ (car/watch/face/fingers/shirt/wallet/money/house/girlfriend) and make it look as if it really happened. And turn it back into the brand-new state after uttering the magic chant that the magician taught you. After you utterly wreck his belongings, tell him "Hi, it’s April Fools and how long have you believed in this ~magic~ crap?"

Fun Factor: Vary
Depending on the items you destroyed, the fun factor could vary a lot. Extra points if you burn his house/trash his car/cut off his finger. Pros: You might get an enemy. Con: Can’t think of any… really.

How to NOT confess your love

2005-03-31T13:10:00.000+08:00

You have been ~~stalking~~ admiring someone for sometime (10 years, or maybe lesser) and you decided that you want to try confess your love to that special girl. These are some tips on how to get it wrong.

#Tip 1: Be Fugly
Rearrange your face and look as if you just fell down from a tree, while hitting every branch trunk and root. Grow long hair that makes your gender confusing. Keeping a dirty unkempt look helps. Do not bathe for a few days to develop that potent aura around you.

#Tip 2: Confess when you are unsure of the girl’s interest towards you
This is the most important tip. Make sure to confess when you are don’t really know the girl. “But… she smiled at me.” No, that smile that was directed in your way wasn’t meant for you. That was meant for that cute guy behind you. Even it was directed at you, it wasn’t “I am interested in you”, it actually meant, “What are you staring at? Dork! You have been goggling (what a new Geek word) at my body for the past 1 hour, get lost or else…”

#Tip 3: Confess your love in a lecture
Start taking some drugs and hallucinate you are some Korean Hunk acting in some Korean show like “My Sassy Girl”. Imagine you are as charming as Bae Yong Jun, as cool as Jay Chou, as cheeky as cheeky, as sexy as calmone and as cute as Brose. (Ok stop puking…) Then you walk up to a girl in the middle of the lecture and give her flowers and ask her to hold you hand *chuckles*. That brings me to my next point.

#Tip 4: Use a PowerPoint slide
Putting up a PowerPoint slide to confess your love in the middle of the lecture is so dramatic. Putting her name there and allow the whole lecture to see is embarrassing. It will absolutely freak out the girl. This would only work if she likes you ALOT. (Read: Tip 2) Even if she just likes you a little bit, doing this would diminish any glowing embers of love she has for you. Her impression of you would sink like the Titanic.

#Tip 5: Watch more movies and imitate what they do in them
Movies are just movies! They are meant to entertain. This only works in reel life and not real life. Getting tips from your 10 other buddies whom has never smelt a girl in their entire life would be as worthless as keeping non-winning 4D betting slips. At least those 4D slips can be used as emergency when you run out of toilet paper.

#Tip 6: Confess your love in a lecture that is webcasted
In case you still have no idea what I am talking about, I shall give you a walkthrough on “How to NOT confess your love” in a video format. Click here to watch the video.

**Edited**
Anyway .. Thats the write up

Not the wrong thing, but to the wrong person

"A romantic gesture gone awry...
It was a normal Monday afternoon, with 5 minutes to go before break during our 2-hour Mathematics Lecture. The lecturer suddenly announces that there is a surprise, and all of us are (not-so)eagerly awaiting more lame Maths jokes or stories, but instead, we are shown this slide on the Screen. It reads "C*, will you hold my hand?" (* C is an actual person whose name has been changed to protect her identity). We are all stunned at the slide. We were even more stunned as events unfolded.

Then the lecturer goes and says "Don't worry, it's not me who's asking C ...". Our worst fears allayed, we applaud madly as this seems to be a big joke. Then he says " ... But there is someone who IS!". This long-haired Guy then springs out of the front row and walks up the aisle with a bunch of flowers in his hand, to the center row (see below) where this girl C is sitting. He hands her the flowers. She takes the flowers, gingerly avoiding his hands. He stands there with his hands outstretched for a couple of seconds. There is a pregnant pause. All stop moving. It's pin-drop silence. The lecturer, very tactfully, makes light of the situation by announcing break time. Everyone goes off to the cafe or for a quick toilet break.

"What happened next?", you may ask. The Guy was seen outside the Cafe, speaking with C but not in a lovey-dovey fashion. He looked quite dazed and flushed. The girl was shrinking from all the attention. Both of them have been hurt, and neither will forget this day. From reliable sources close to those involved, I have gathered that the Guy is not an Engineering student but from the Science Faculty. He would probably have taken a module with, and developed a crush on her. He is also not local. "C" is a local girl, whose fate is being discussed in the Maths Online Forum as you read this. From (very) recent experience, it seems to be quite a classic case of mistaken intentions. The guy, being foreign, probably misread C's friendship and concern for something more than normal. In Singapore, it is quite common for guys to be just friends with girls. It also should be said that Guys, myself included, are pretty lousy at reading subtleties or intricacies. The sad thing is that these sorta public displays are "All or Nothing" kinda stunts, to only be pulled off if the couple are already sure of their intentions.

Guys, be *absolutely* sure about her and what she thinks of you. A smile from a Girl is not to be interpreted as romantic interest, no matter how your buddies tease you about it. Girls, please spell it out to the Guy you're interested in if need be because Guys are far more simple-minded than they look. Guys don't really understand subtleties. "

How to react when encountering Paranormal Activity

2005-03-28T22:50:00.000+08:00

Cute girl in the house

You woke up finding yourself in a strange place. It could be a old dilapidated Japanese style mansion; village that mysteriously disappeared years ago; torn up town and city with almost no humans, only weird sounds of zombies roaming around. When this happens, you can be sure you would almost always have a weapon on you. It could be something useful such as a toothpick or a water gun, or something entirely worthless such as porn magazines, a china set and a crappy old camera. Take a look in the mirror, if you see a young cute Japanese girl in school uniform and miniskirt, chances are you are indeed experiencing paranormal activity aka I see dead people. (Yes, you have boobs. To Perverts: You are NOT supposed to fonder yourself)
Carry on reading to see how you can survive through this encounter.

When you start seeing visions or flashbacks on some items you touched. (Like some black and white pirated movie) Leave the area IMMEDIATELY. I cannot stress more on the importance of this. (Scientists have confirmed that watching a low quality pirated movie shortens your life span by 2.798 years.) But for some reason, the path that you came in by would be blocked off forcing you to venture deeper. Talk about instant landscape remodeling.

When you are walking through the area, keep your eyes peeled for a map of some sort. There will always be some map lying around. Finding the map is highly important, as you would need it to navigate to the nearest toilet when nature calls. I mean, what can be more embarrassing than shitting or peeing in your pants when fighting zombies and photographing ghosts?

Notes and booklets and newspaper cuttings can be seen strewn all over the floor. Don’t bother picking them up to read. Some tells you the background of the place you are in. Some mentions that someone was here to investigate and disappeared. Some mentioned weird rituals, which involves the sacrifice of virgins. Some mentions some torturous activity like captives being forced to watch Oprah & Pi Li Huo over and over again till they convulse and die. Picking up those articles give valuable information but the think layer of dust on top of them could be deadly to anyone suffering from asthma. Killed by asthma is such an uncool way to die.

And then you come across a Brand New Canon Ixus 300 lying on the table. Ok I lied. It is some old cranky dust coated camera.
Now you have 2 choices.

Roam in the same 3-5 rooms over and over again for the rest of your lives.

Choose to touch and pick up the old camera.

I personally think that option 1 is a better choice. Nice living conditions in a cool quiet part of the countryside for the rest of your lives. In case your backside itchy felt like talking a snapshot of the place you are in, you would have no choice but to activate option 2. Yes I know the black and white flashback is irritating, just bear with it, it will be over in a few secs.

Weapons
Sometimes you can find handguns and shotguns. They are weapons for the weak. A real exorcist uses only bare fists, a fruit knife and a crucifix to purge the evil. A bible is useful as well, not for reciting your verses but using it to smack the zombie and getting some nasty green goo on your new clothes. If you only have a camera, thank god that Microsoft doesn’t make cameras - you wouldn’t want a blue screen of death when you are trying to fight some hideous screaming spirit.

Advancing

That's the statue. Now lemme go find a pic of my outstretched palm

Most of the doors around the place would be locked. Or there could be some blockage of some sort, just run around the same place and search in all the crook and cranny, people who locked the doors will always leave them lying around for you to find them. In case you are ~~blind~~ shortsighted, the key is always glowing. Eg. When you see some statue without a head, you have to find the damn head and and place in on the statue to open some door. (When you ever see me with my hands stretched out, place a 50-dollar bill in my hands and I will open some doors for you – map secret)

When you see ghosts
When you see something floating in front of you, don’t just stand there and be amazed. Always make sure to fish out your camera and take a photo of it. Sometimes the feat allows you to get more paparazzi points to upgrade your camera to a digital one. If it doesn’t, at least you can sell your photos to some avid collector for some money if you make it out alive.

Staying alive
Pull and pick up anything that looks remotely like some grass on the floor. They are actually herbs that can help to instantly cure your wounds. Big first aid kits cures even more if you know how to use the assortment of needle, burn cream, scissors, tape and bandages all together. For some reason, even the box of the first aid kit disappears after a use, I guess eating it recovers some strength as well. A real crusader against evil doesn't need food at all.

Duration of nightmare
Although it might seem like an eternity, you would only be stuck in that weird paranormal situation for around 3 to 5 days. Time will crawl to a stop and the night will never pass if you choose not to open some of the doors or touch some of the items, like the glowing switch, some doors with a talisman on it etc. An easy way out is to press the blue/green button of your …

Zombies/spirit encounters

She doesn't look too happy to be taking photos with me. What's she so pissed about? It isn't some upskirt.

They always seem to get stronger with every passing day and night. The first night only has some slow ass zombies moving around that would die if they accidentally trip over some pebbles. Didn’t their mummy teach them they should not walk around dragging their feet? By the third night, you get to witness some sick and repulsive abominations, which moves at the speed of HDB aunties rushing to snatch freebies despite having 2 heads and part of the intestines hanging out. Attack them with your leet ninjitsu. Only as a last resort, use your shotgun or your rocket launcher. Spirits on the third night are extremely camera shy. They would duck your camera as fast as people on the streets trying to be interviewed by ChannelNewsAsia and teleport around hurling deadly projectiles if you still insist taking their pics like a ~~irritating~~ experienced paparazzi. Shouting out "Say CHEESE!!" might work. Although it only works if it is shouted in Japanese

If you follow all the steps above, you would have survived the ordeal. Give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy the sunrise/sunset while listening to some music being played in the background. Ignore the row of words that are scrolling up in the horizon.

Ecology of a local College (Part 2)

2005-03-27T00:20:00.000+08:00

Part 2 of the research paper.

Studious Nerdes

I didn't know they come in boxes and sets

Wears thick and obiang specs. Carries a big and retro haversack-type bag that reads “National Day Parade ‘96”. Often wears T-shirt or polo Tees tucked INTO their pants or shorts. Pants and top are always matched in such a way you would suspect they are color-blind. The female species usually clad itself in material that resembles a mixture of curtain and tablecloth haphazardly sewed together. Hair is short and never gelled or combed giving a permanent out-of-bed look. (Either that or enough gel on their hair to tahan a tornado) They don’t need sleep. Always can be seen carrying thick files and notes and textbook around campus, even though it’s the first day of the new semester. Bathes a few times a month. Skin tone is ghost white as they have avoided sun for 2 years as they chao keng in NS and stayed in library to finish reading the optional reading for the 7th time. Are often the ones asking professors about the philosophy of life and the answers to the universe during the break in lectures. They sometimes speak in Binary code like (1011011010100010101110111010)
A portion of them speaks in English.

Nerdes 1: I think my ATP level is running low and my insulin/glucagon level is dropping fast. I might want to have some carbohydrate uptake.
(I am hungry, wanna eat?)
Nerdes 2: Okay. I think I shall assimilate less lipids and amino acids today. I should keep my glycogen level stable as a lot of my excess glucose and amino acids went to my lipid biosynthesize and has been deposited as adipose tissue around my waist.
(I shall eat less today as I am getting fatter)

Only after much research, mankind at last had a breakthrough and managed to decipher the language used by Studious Nerdes.
Can be spotted in: Science Library, Arts Library, Engine Library, Business Library, Co-op, Old textbook sales, and Notes sales.

Overall IQ: Middle to high range. Some have been known to be able to build a nuclear missile with black tape, empty soft drink bottles, some matchsticks, candles, a tire and a bottle of peanut butter. (Don’t ask me how they did it, I am not Studious Nerdes)

They are also the very ones who always get those full marks. Make friends with them if you have to.

Bimbosilus

They always imagine they are on Baywatch...

Could be mistaken for Beachas Bummerellas. Bimbosilus MUST have (I repeat again), MUST have at least ONE pink article or clothing on their body. Could be easily spotted by their pinkish outfits, elaborate dressing and delicate makeup. A confirmation test is to insert a glowing splint into her brain cavity and it would be rekindled due to the large collection of stale air in that empty hollow which used to be a brain. An easier alternative is just to tap her head with your knuckles and you would be able to hear familiar hollow sounds. Bimbosilus take great pride in their dressing and are known to spend long hours in front of their mirror and their dressing table. The one thing they would never leave home without is their small pocket-sized mirror.

Just like the Beachas Bummerellas, their conversations are a potential hazard to human health. Their conversation would only have these 5 things - Shopping, Makeup, Clothing, Accessories and Guys. More often than not you can easily catch a Bimbosilus chatting on her brand new chic flip phone. The conversation can be easily identified with the use of profound vocab.

Bimbosilus: *giggle* Dar dar…. Mmmmm.. *giggle* Mm.Mm. Dun want! Mmmmmm (while shaking her body and twirling with her hair) Mmmmm sugar bum bum… *giggle* Mmmm… Okay. *Muak Muak*

Don’t bother saying jokes to them, as they won’t understand it anyway. If you really must tell them a joke, make it really simple so that it doesn’t require any thinking of any sort for them to laugh.

So why do men cheat?

2005-03-23T16:26:00.000+08:00

I was flipping through the notorious Elle magazine lying innocently on my mum's bed when this article caught my eye. No not literally you dumbass. This is the section on ellesex April 2005 edition - "Because I could..." Ranchy title, I thought to myself. As I was reading through it I was half amuzed and baffled by the junk and rubbish females actually pay to read. (For those who are saying out loud "But your Blog sucks even more. It's junkier and has more rubbish than Elle!!" At least you are not paying $4.50 to read my Blog.) Ok lemme dissect this damn article.

More than six in 10 men have cheated on a partner. Why? Is it, as the
saying goes, because they could? ELLE asks a New York City alpha male,
who prefers to be unnamed, how men - even the nice ones - view infidelity

What a great way to grab the attention of females. More than 6 in 10... So does it mean 7 in 10? or 6.5 in 10? I bet it's a random statistical value they thrown in to make it look more convincing. They must have figured that 5 in 10 would mean 50-50... Too little! They don't want female readers to go away with the notion that their other half isn't a cheating bastard, so MORE THAN six in 10 is a good one. The juiciness of the article is directly proportional to how they labelled males as "flirt, bastards, MCPs, insensitive, cheaters, etc" The more they insult the male, the higher the ratings.

"ELLE asks a New York City alpha male" What the hell is an alpha male? Of cos this alpha male doesn't have a name. (For those racists out there. You can choose to click on this alpha male instead) The reason why alpha male is unnamed is simple, they made this entire story up. Simple as that. They can't attribute a name to it, yet they want to make it look real and interesting. The most telling sign of all is that the writer is a female. Females have a very strong imagination. I will touch more on that later.

"how men - even the nice ones - view infidelity" Most girls (more than 50%) believed their boyfriends/husbands are treating them better than how other males treat their girlfriend/wife. See the fallacy there? (For those who didn't get it. I can't help you. Maybe you should be studying instead of reading this.) They assumed their boyfriends are nice and they dismissed the idea that they would be unfaithful. But the words "even the nice ones" would start to ring some of their alarm bells so they would actually fork out the money to buy and read this magazine.

The rest of the article is just plain bullshit and just the very wrong imagination of a female writer who hides under 1 inch thick layer of foundation. I thought I am flipping through some romance novel filled with lust, seduction and sex.
"Her hair was lush and fragrant. Her tongue was exploring the area where my tonsils would have been ... The scent of perfume, gin and something deeper, richer, more purely animal developed us... the only thing between us and a wild ride were a couple of layers of cotton and twil..."
If I have to type this anymore my comp will explode. I think you get the idea...

And at the end of the article, there is this little box with the title " SO WHY DO MEN CHEAT?" Let's take a look

Because you let them. Many men use this excuse. Their girlfriends, they claim, are too keen to forgive - and too keen to blame themselves for their relationship failings.

Guys don't use this excuse for God's sake. Too keen to forgive? So what message are you trying to send across? Control your man like a bitch and be so possessive? Scream at him for answering phone calls for females and forbid him any female interaction? I bet you my old underwear that this will drive any normal male nuts and before he cheats on you, he will ~~dumb~~ dump you.

Because they're scared of commitment. Having a fling is a nifty way for a man to prove that he's still not ready for the C-word.

There is no need to prove that a fling is a way of showing we are not ready for commitment. And what about commitment? If you keep asking a guy to marry you every few days... who wouldn't be scared? Having a fling proves nothing. Wake up your damn idea. It just means he found someone fun to play with... that's all. Work harder next time.

Because it's easier than fixing a troubled relationship. To avoid having to sit down and talk issues through, many men find it easier to sabotage their relationship completely with an affair.

Translation: The guy wants a breakup and the girl refuses. The girl caught the guy with another girl and accuses him of having an affair so she can rant+whine+cry about it in front of her feminist friends who will back her up and give her emotional support. Nice way to avoid admitting you were dumped by the guy is to accuse him of an affair. Neat!

Because they want sex. More sex, different sex, kinkier sex, whatever. As the saying goes, women need a reason to have an affair. Men, on the other hand, only need a place.

This bitch makes man sound like we are having sex with ourselves. Sex needs a male and a female (at least). (I don't approve for gay and lesbian sex. I don't give a damn if you like it or not either.) No... an affair with your right hand (or left if you are left-handed) doesn't count. Who doesn't want more sex? Take a look at suspiciousbastard and bubblemunche. It is only normal and healthy to want sex and have sex. Sex is one of the top 4 NEEDS of a human being, behind air, water and food. At least we need a place to have sex... women's reasoning to have an affair is just as flawed. Now... don't think that they reasoning is something so complicated, it could be something as simple as:

1. I am horny
2. I am lonely
3. He's cute
4. He has a nice butt
5. It's too dark in the club
6. I was drunk
7. I was doped
8. I am still horny

Now if you are wondering why your girlfriends like giving you shit and why are the females around you preaching to you all these nonsensical feminist shit, you have female magazines like Elle to thank. For all the sensible ladies out there, STOP imagining that your boyfriend is having an affair. Stop thinking about the worse. Stop being so imaginative like this hopeless person who wrote that elle article. If you think he is having an affair, he is not. If you see lipstick on his clothes, some girl bumped into him. If he off his handphone, low batt. If you hear a female in the background while talking to him over the phone, he is trying to give you a suprise while shopping for some diamonds. Until you catch him in bed red-handed, he is innocent.

Ecology of a local College (Part 1)

2005-03-18T01:45:00.000+08:00

The study of the Ecology of a local College would take some extensive scientific research and the report would be released in parts due to the large file size. Today we shall take a look at the 2 species from the same genus of Poserilas

Poserilas Beefascakas

Dude... Where's my pants

This picture explains alot

Sleeveless and singlets are their outfit of choice. A portion of them can be seen clad in OCS singlets to exhibit their mini amazon forest under their arms. The singlet is needed to dissipate the heat from the blazing Singapore sun. These creatures have high tolerance for freezing temperatures, as they are known to still insist on wearing them even in 9 degrees lecture halls without any jacket over them. Tight Tees which is obviously a few size smaller are stretched to a point to emphasize their erect nipples and the hours spent in gym working and building up their Chest and washboard abs. Beach wear and beach shorts coupled with slippers are the standard uniform for this species. They also seem to be suffering from an acute syndrome of Sun hallucination, as they would wear their Oakley shades even into lecture halls.

Observation: They have genetically inherited the "I am so cool" look on their face and they can maintain it for hours while beaming a smile at any females who look in their direction. They can sometimes be caught flexing their muscles in front of the mirror for so long you thought they kenna cramp. GNC bottles are a standard accessory.

Favorite Food: Creatine, Myoplex, Meal replacement bars, egg white, soya bean milk, basically anything GNC.

Can be spotted in: Gyms, GNC, Gay bars, Rock walls, On top of wakeboards, On the tanning seats at the swimming pools but never in the pool.

Overall IQ: Makes the cactus looks smart under comparison

The main purpose of their existence is still largely unknown. Some hypothesized that it could be due to the effort of this species filling up the vacancies for all the Cs, Ds and Es, other students can easily get an B and A.

Poserilas BeachBummerellas

I don't think she would be smiling this happily if she knew the Tsunami was headed towards her.

Literally Beach Bums

They are the female counterparts of the Poserilas Beefascakas, also belonging to the same Poserilas Genus. Can be often seen near the P. Beefascakas. They relish in the attention of males. As the saying goes "Empty vessels make the most noise", to prevent that they always choose those with more layers of compact muscles on the outside so that they need not be bothered about the hollow brain they are communicating with. Their conversation would go something like this:

P. Beefascakas: Hey cuties… so where are we gonna hang out today?
P. BeachBummerellas: Gee… can I touch your muscles?
P. Beefascakas: (Grinning with pride and flexing like no tomorrow) Sure do. Meet Ben the Biceps
P. BeachBummerellas: So… do you do gym a lot?
P. Beefascakas: Oh yea… Gym is my life. And I tan a lot too, check out my tanlines.
P. BeachBummerellas: Mmmm… You smell bananaboat. (Smile stupidly)
(Experts warn against being near any of such conversations. They have reports of victims who were near and tried to understand the conversations later suffered from brain damage and had their IQ lowered by 110 points.)

Overall IQ: Couldn’t be any lower

They do not do gym like the P. Beefascakas, but they are clad in similar beach apparel. Instead of fierce Oakleys, they opted for Big retro-like shades. It’s taboo to wear anything with sleeves. Tops that accentuate the cleavage are welcomed. Hot pants or mini skirts are a must. They would never wear anything that is more than 3.5 cm lower than their groin. Just like their counterparts, they have developed amazing resistance to the freezing temperatures in the lecture halls. They are often found tanning at the poolside with their bottle of Bananaboat tanning lotion reading their notes even though they can’t swim at all.

Rack your brain juices!!

2005-03-11T15:03:00.000+08:00

My friends and I were just chilli’ out at Macs that day and all of a sudden, we were talking crap (as usual). I mean I am ok with intelligent and logical questions but qian4 bian3 wen4 da2 ti2 (questions that would make u want to beat the daylights out of the person who asked it) absolutely baffled me. Ed started asking this question that he said came out during an N level paper.

Question: This husband finishes work and takes the MRT home everyday and he would stop and wait for his wife to pick him up after work at the MRT station. The wife would pick him up exactly at 5pm. After picking up her husband, the wife would drive home and they would reach home exactly at 6pm. This routine is the same everyday without fail.
Then one of the days, the man knocked off earlier from work (cos he chao keng and tell boss he got menstrual cramps), he reached the MRT station at 4pm. Since he was early, he decided to walk back home. While walking back home, he met his wife who was driving to pick him up. He sat into the car and they drove home. Upon reaching home, the man remarked, " We are 10 mins earlier than usual!"
How long have the man walked? (time)

When I heard the question I was like "HuH?" I was absolutely amazed that ‘N’ levels could have questions so hard. I mean… it’s a question good enough to be thrown into the MENSA test. I mean if you have solved the question within 1 min, congratz. If you can't do it within 1min, don't worry, you are just normal. Those who said they could were just good liars. I was just plain lazy and being a skeptic + a cynic, I argued that it was impossible to solve this question without assumptions.
Brose: This question is stupid and can’t be solved without proper assumptions.
Ed: Ok. Let’s assume that the car travels from the direction of the home to the MRT station and back in the same direction. Speed of car travel is constant throughout everyday and time taken to U-turn and board the car is negligible. Assume that the man walks in the same route that the car takes while going home.
Brose: Bleh I give up.
YQ who is another friend of ours decides to persevere on.
Brose: (saying to YQ) You need pen and paper or not? I can lend you to do complex algebra. Or maybe you want to code an algorithm to help you solve this problem? (Well, both of them are computing students and I love to make a dig at them)

So have you all reading the blog found out the answer? Or are you just as lazy as I am? I will spoiler out the solution in white.

Solution: (drag and highlight to read)

The car fetches up the man at 5pm and reaches home by 6pm everyday. It means that it takes 1 hour to travel from home to MRT station and 1 hour to come back. When the man starts walking from MRT station back home at 4pm, the wife is already at home and is driving towards the MRT station at 4pm. [Upon reaching home, the man remarked, " We are 10 mins earlier than usual!"] This meant they reached home at 5.50pm. The wife usually takes 2 hour to travel to and fro. But on that day, the wife only traveled 60 + 50 mins = 110mins. Since the wife met the man along the way, 110 / 2 = 55mins. It meant that the wife traveled for 55 mins before meeting the man, and vice versa the man walked for 55 mins before meeting his wife. The answer is 55 mins!!

Then after listening to this question and a whole serious of qian4 bian3 wen4 da2 ti2, I decided I could not take it anymore and gave them a proper question of my own.

Question: There are 3 light bulbs in a room with no windows (bulb room) and 3 switches in another room with no windows (switch room). Each switch is responsible for switching on 1 of the light bulbs. You are to enter the switch room once and then enter the bulb room. After that you are supposed to correctly deduce which switch is responsible for which bulb.

And then Ed asks if they can have any equipment in their disposal. I said sure go ahead… but don’t give me stupid replies like using warping machine or time machine or all that kind of sci-fic crap. I must say Ed’s answer was indeed creative.

Ed: Go into the switch room, dismantle all the switches and reconfigure the voltages to 5v, 10v and 15v respectively. Then go into the bulb room and dismantle all the bulbs and use a voltmeter to test the output voltage of the 3 bulbs.

What an innovative answer… That’s a standard answer by some ~~freakin~~ smart engineers. Can’t they do it in a more normal way? It has a very logical answer, quick rake some brains to think about it instead of wasting your life reading other people’s blog. At least you are exercising your brain cells now.

Solution: (drag and highlight to read)

Walk into the switch room and switch on the 1st switch for a very long time (maybe 10 mins). After 10 mins, turn it off and switch on the 2nd switch. Then exit the switch room and walk into the bulb room. The bulb that is lighted corresponds to the 2nd switch and the bulb that is hot/warm to the touch but is off corresponds to the 1st switch. Wala! There you go, that’s the answer. Did you get that correct?

The call

2005-03-09T01:33:00.000+08:00

*Disclaimer – The characters and events in this story are NOT entirely fictional. Any similarities are on purpose. This post might be highly offensive in nature due to the reference of durians, pomelos and bananas. Pls leave this site immediately if you do not want to be exposed to offensive literature by visiting here. If any of you finds it to be offensive, you can simply knock your head on the wall repeatedly and hope you will get a concussion so you can forget that you ever read this post*

*Ring ring*

Caller: Hi… is this Brose speaking?
Whoo… sexy female voice. Brose immediately spring into ~~erection~~ action.
Brose: (In his equally sexy male voice) Yes speaking.
Brose live in a jungle so usually only interact with female gorillas.
Caller: Hi I got your number from Amanda.
Brose: Sorry I don’t know any Amandas.
Caller: You remember you did a survey with my colleague Amanda? I am calling from 101 Consulting.
Shall I deny it or shall I play along? Hmmm…
Brose: Ohh… yes. Now I remember. The girl wearing that red jacket with yellow top, black skirt and apple green stockings. Makeup sooo thick that if I use my finger to tap will crack and with enough accessories on her that will make Christmas tree inferior.
Caller: Haha. I think my colleague was wearing black that day and she didn’t put on make up.
Brose short-sighted and short memory wat.
Brose: I dislike liars. And I don’t like to talk to one. Ok bye bye.
Caller: I am really not lying. As far as my memory serves me right.
Brose: I didn’t know your colleague have a habit to change into clothes to scare people away.
Caller: What!?
Brose: Anyway I told you I dun like talking to liars.
Caller: Erm. Sorry I remembered wrongly. Amanda was indeed wearing that on that day. I mistook her for someone else.
Brose: That's better. I know it's shameful to be colleagues with someone who dresses like that.
Trying very hard not to laugh
Caller: Anyway. Are you free now?
Brose: No. I come with a hefty price and I am not for sale.
Caller: Haha.. I mean are you free to talk now?
Brose: Oh. I am actually quite busy right now but I could spare you some time.
I still got my Ah Cheng and 287937217 Eps of Pi Li Huo haven’t watch finish.
Caller: Anyway I am calling from Consulting 101 and I am here to invite you to come down for a talk.
Brose very busy leh… how?
Brose: What’s the talk about? I don’t really like talking to strangers.
Caller: It is to help fresh grads gain more experience in the working world. As you know… employers these days look for working experience when they hire. Since fresh grads are… fresh, they would have a disadvantage. I have been through that and thus I am here to help you guys out.
Wah so nice ah.
Brose: Wah thanks. So… I can be the next Bill Gates? You know Bill Gates is my idol cos he always make super expensive software which cannot work and still managed to sell it to everyone.
Caller: Haha… Nope! We can take down your particulars and we can help you get a job. We can’t promise it would be the job you want and the pay you expect but we would try our best.
Sounds too good to be true…
Brose: Are you from MLM or Insurance?
Caller: Oh none of them.
Wat a pity. Brose loves to buy MLM products and insurance.
Caller: I am calling from Consulting 101 and this is a non-profit organization. My colleagues and me are doing this voluntarily to help other fresh-grads out there. I graduated from some overseas College and used to work at Citibank .Now I am doing this out of goodwill to help other fresh grads. You can see its already a Saturday afternoon and I am still eating out of my family time to call you.
I am so touched.
Brose: (muttering) your english doesn’t sound like you graduated from some overseas college.
Her english sounds like she is speaking chinese + a few peanuts and a ~~pomelo~~ ~~durian~~ banana in her mouth. Frankly speaking, her English sucks!
Caller: Huh?
Brose: So how can you help me? I am just a fresh grad. Won’t make a diff even if I go down.
Caller: Well we can share our experience with you to help you better equipped in the society.
Brose: You mean like equipped with designer clothes, leather shoes, LV wallets, Mont Blanc pens, Dunhill belts and some classy leather briefcase?
Caller: No I mean… Equipped with the relevant skills.
Brose: But I already have the skills to partake in intellectual banter. Other than those I have relevant skills in baking, cooking, pottery, journalism, biology, chemistry, aeronautic science.
Caller: Sorry but those are not the skills I am talking about.
Brose: Oh. I also dabbled in astrology, a master in forgery, and a blatant plagiarizer. I also dwell in palmistry, fortune reading sometimes. I have quite an experience on lockpicking. I am highly skilled in the ancient arts of the Yoga as well.
Caller: Actually by saying skills I meant skills like PR skills and communication skills. I am sure those skills are highly helpful to you in future.
Brose: Okay… So do you have a website or something I can check up?
Caller: Actually… our website doesn’t have this relevant information. This is only a small branch of what we are doing. Anyway it’s a non-profit organization.
Sounds fishy
Brose: I only believe in companies with proper websites. I mean… which company doesn’t have a proper website? Anyway I know there are a lot of fake websites out there and it is cheap to get yourself a portal. Unless you have a proper company website to back up what you are preaching, I believe it is all a scam.
Caller: Oh, don’t worry about it. We are only gonna obtain some particulars from you and we are not going to sell your information or anything to any other parties. Your information is safe with us.
Brose: So… you are indeed trying to sell my info and database to some data-mining company for profit.
Caller: No. I said we are NOT gonna sell it.
Brose: How do you prove it? How do I know that you haven’t sold my particulars?
Caller: Anyway this is a non-profit organization and thus it is for a non-profit cause.
Brose: Oh. But it doesn’t mean by listening to you guys talk I can proudly tell the interviewee during the interview that I have 2 years of experience listening to more experienced people sharing their experience.
Caller: Err… yea. But you see a lot of other people need help and we are just trying to help them. We have been there so we know that companies all want experienced workers. If we really want to make money we would have looked for people with 10 to 15 years of experience and I wouldn’t be talking to you.
Ahh… The cat is out of the bag! Noone with 10 to 15 years of working experience will listen to your bullshit for so long.
Brose: I think you didn’t get my point. What I am saying is that listening to you all talking isn’t going to help at all…

And the conversation goes on and on and she keep repeating the same few sentences that she is from a non-profit organization and she is just trying to help out fresh grads. Worse of all she doesn’t want to show me her website. But Brose is always curious. As they say, “ Curiosity kills the cock” wait... that doesn’t sound too right. But since it is the year of the cock I think its ok. I shall give her the benefit of the doubt.

Brose: Okay. Tell you what. Leave me your phone number and let me consider about it. I will call you back if I am interested.
I think she isn’t very happy as well. I wonder why.
Caller: I think there is no need. You don’t sound like you need any help in finding a job. BYE!

**Phone Cut**

Man… that’s so rude. Brose was this >< close to be nudged to go down to take a look at your phoney company which sells some super cheapskate shit at some astronomical price. Tissue paper 3 packs for 10 dollars. Cooking oil 1 ltr 100 dollars. Or maybe some excellent insurance policies which promises savings cum investments and every month you only need to contribute a low 300 bucks a month and it covers accidents, death, investment on the side, saving for marriage, kids, school, war, and free tickets to Singapore Idol finals as long as you are alive. So if anyone received a call from 101 Consulting hor… ask her if she knows anyone by the name of Brose… Help me scold her cos she wasted 20 mins of my incoming talk time.

About Me

2005-03-05T13:30:00.000+08:00

Well... for those who dunno me. This is a short description of me.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen remodelling the canteen during my lunch breaks. I am a thinker, and you can mostly see me in deep thought for most of the lecture. I have perfected the art of screening out excess gibberish to maintain perfect equilibrium for meditation in classes. I am an abstract artist, most (even myself) couldnt make out the out-of-the-world art prieces which I draw for free on the walls and tables. I have extraordinary resistance against the sun and contain chorophyll as I can sometimes photosynthesize up to a few days in the swimming pool. I can cook 3 minute instant noodles for 10 mins and make it look NOT like food. I have special talents which can make the microwave explode with only an egg. I am responsible for a huge part of the hole in the Ozone layer and the future generations will remember me for their skin cancer. I can drink 3 packets of Vitasoy in 30 mins. I am recognised worldwide for my ability to train hamsters to sing. I am sane and am able to live with 3 other lunatics and not go crazy. When im broke, I earn some spare cash by singing to my family members and neighbours so they will involuntarily hurl deadly flying objects like TV and the refrigerator so I can sell them for money. When I am in a bad mood, I try to cut off those huge ropes hanging outside my apartment which suspend the platform of the painters trying to paint my apartment. When I am bored, I try to juggle my bicycle, my skateboard and my guitar ... together. I can wake up late and forgot all about my exam paper because I had to help save the world last night. I am blessed with special eyesight which allows me to see the world beautifully when I don't put on my spectacles. I am water soluble as rain would dissolve my very existence. I punish myself by going clubbing and drinking lots to punish my evil liver. I am trained to multitask as I can chat with friends, copy my homework, hum a song, bake a cake and juggle a ball all at the same time.

How do you know when you are no longer a freshman anymore?

2005-03-03T21:26:00.000+08:00

You wake up. Looked at the clock. 9.50am. "Wah… Anyway I would be late for the 10am lecture." And goes back to sleep.
You never seem to be able to get up before 10am.
Instead of 3 proper meals a day, you start eating only 2, since by the time you wake up it should be lunch. All the ~~after supper fun~~ roti prata and nasi lemak doesn't count.
You start getting proud of yourself for being able to skip that many lectures and Dean haven't treat you kopi yet.
You don’t bother to dress up for school anymore cos you realized there isn’t any ~~hunks~~ babes to attract anyway.
Instead of looking forward to the first classes of the year, you start to daydream about the parties after the finals. And maybe think about what freshies we would get next year.
When friends asked you where is your next class, your reply would be, " Dunno leh… Maybe go back and sleep again."
Instead of listening to the lecture, you starts to wonder why campus only got Macdonald… why don’t have KFC and Burger King.
You memorize what the lecturer like and his habits to sa-kah him instead of memorizing your textbook.
Instead of trying to do your tutorials and assignment diligently, you keep making eyes at your tutor of the opposite sex during class and even thought of offering sexual favours. (Of course I have never thought of such a thing)
Trying stay awake for all your lectures is as impossible as tio BigSweep + Bush giving Osama a blowjob + Xu Weilun breaking up with me all happening together.
Instead of checking syllabus to see which class got webcast no need to attend, you start to check which lesson got take attendance lan lan must attend.
You have been enlightened and start telling yourself those who get As have no life… Bs and Cs are enough.
You used to know the complete profile of every professor and tutor whom teach you. Now, you don’t even know your lecturer’s name, much less his looks. (I called my lecturer Dr Swami an organism in my final paper cos I was thinking cannot be got ppl's name so stupid call Swami one wat)
You have a test tomorrow morning and you are fucking wasting your time here writing such a stupid list hoping tomorrow got some divine help to help you pass your test.

An encounter with a Beng and a Seng

2005-02-27T01:02:00.000+08:00

Brose was out strolling on the streets one day when he was totally disturbed by the language that young people are using these days. Gone were the days when people speak with proper etiquette. Where did all the manners go? Brose was walking happily until he accidentally came across this 2 Chao Ah Bengs quarreling.

Beng: Siao eh... You better return me my counter-strike CD Key hor. I want to play...
Seng: You damn Cheebye leh. Promised to me lend me now want to take back.

Brose accidentally interrupts the conversation. Brose being the exalted board of directors of the B.E.N.G (Boliao E-rritating Nonsensical Group) would like to educate the other Bengs about the proper use of singlish and the origins of their language.

Brose: Err... Sorry to disturb you but the use of your language is wrong. And Counter-Strike is so old even my Ah ma doesn't want to play anymore.
Seng: Simi lan jiao.
Brose: Instead of using "You damn Cheebye", you could have opted for "You fucking asshole". Anyway my name is not lan jiao... My name is Brose. Nice to meet you.
Beng: Huh? Hey... Ah Pek... Dun ka ka chiao chiao here lah. Siam lah. Dun be an asshole ok?
Brose: I ain't giving you shit thus I cannot be an asshole. Only assholes give shit. Literally. And my name is Brose, not Ah Pek.
I wonder if the Beng and Seng got the idea. Their facial expressions showed quite the opposite.
Seng: Kaoz... You dun come and kao bei kao bu la. Talk so much cock. I know ur england veri powderful. Na bei. Want to talk to us talk our language la. Dun gek seh la.
Sounds friendly. I think they are starting to accept me. I think I shall shower them with my utmost care and concern as a friend would do.
Brose: Oh...Sorry for being insensitive. Someone in your family died? My deepest condolences. Where is the wake? I think I might go down to give some pek gim.
Brose is only trying to be nice... I wonder why that Ah Seng gave me that stare. Maybe he was touched by my sincerity.
Beng: Kan Ni Na la. Dun try to be funny la. You better siam before limpeh try to hantam you or fuck you upside down.
Hmm... I wonder how to really fuck upside down sia...hehe
Brose: Sorry to disappoint you. I am straight. And there is really some error in your use of language. Since we hit it off so well, I would like to impart some of my knowledge to you two.
Beng & Seng: Huh?
Brose: A wise man once told me that... "Actually in this world, there are 3 types of people: Dicks, pussies and assholes..."
Why those 2 guys give me such a blank look? Hmm.. must simplify abit.
Brose: Okay. In our context, its Lanjiao, Cheebye and KaChengKang. Well.. if you don't consider the cockanadens. Pussies think everyone can get along. Dicks on the other hand are reckless, arrogant and stupid. Dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! Pussies don't like dicks because they keep getting fucked by dicks. BUT, dicks do fuck assholes too. So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while because pussies get fucked by dicks. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are a inch and half away from assholes. Cockanaden on the other hand are also pretty much fucked. But they do belong to the more fucked up group. They basically screw everyone else over. Their ability to screw things up is unmatched. Sometimes they can screw an asshole up so much that it could turn into a pussy. So it takes a dick to fuck things back in order. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!
*Applause*
I think they are astounded by my cheemology
Beng & Seng: HUH?!

Opening ceremony of Brose's Blog

2005-02-26T23:55:00.000+08:00

Reporter: Ladies and Gentleman... May I welcome the new Blogizen on this Blogosphere... Brose
Drums rolling
Reporter: And now to commemorate the opening of this new Block err.. I mean new Blog. I would like to invite Brose to say a few words.

No applause... How weird... Brose was quite sure he paid enough Care-leh-fare to make up the numbers at the opening of his Blog, he really doesn't like the awkward silence.
Damn Care-leh-fare, must have ran away cos Brose tried to be stingy and didn't paid enough. Can't blame Brose, he is just following the call of the government
"To remain as a competitive entrepreneur to succeed in today's ever-changing environment, one must readily out-source and cut down costs.."
Damn outsourcing... fucking not reliable. I should have known that the advertisement was a hoax.

Reporter: Mr Brose, why have you thought of setting up your own Blog?
Brose: Cos I thought it would be a good avenue for me to voice my opinions.
Yeah right haha
Reporter: I mean... There are tons of Blogs out there... Why do u still want to add another boring and fucked up blog to our cyberspace increasing the agony of the our netizens?
Brose: Hey dude... I am trying my best here ok? Anyway... I would try to present my views in a way, which would be interesting to the public.
Reporter: I heard that you used to hate blogs, blogging and bloggers... why that hatred? Does it have anything to do with some traumatic childhood?
Brose: Haha.. Not really. I can't stand blogging at first cos it comes across as an online web diary to me. I read about other people's writing their entire lives and whine and moan and it is rather disturbing. I absolutely have no idea why some other people actually choose to read about another person's online diary. And I would never like the idea of posting my entire life online to be tracked by some stalkers.
Reporter: Did you say stalkers? Mmmmm
Reporter takes a glance at Brose's rear.
Brose instinctively covers his backside.
Reporter: Ok one last question. So are u prepared to come out with a daily update or a weekly update or a monthly update to your Blog? Not like people care anyway, I just have to ask cos its my damn job and you paid me to cover your opening ceremony. OopS!!
Brose glares at Reporter and tries to contain his anger.
That fucker is obviously trying to get Brose to spew words which would make the ears of the angels bleed. But Brose shall tahan!!!
Brose: Oh sure Mr Reporter. I would like to open the Blog with a few entries. After that I can only Blog if circumstances permits. As you can see, Brose lives in a jungle and can only come into contact with technology when the caravan goes past him on a good day, so he can only Blog when the happens. Thank you Reporter for you hard work. =)

Obviously no one is stupid enough to believe this reason. Singapore where got jungle? Takashimaya ah? or Suntec? SAF training area maybe lah.

Reporter: Ok then. I shall end the interview for today. Everyone please help yourself to the refreshments. Pss.. hey Brose, can I have your number?